THE CENTRE OF THE WEIRD SIDE

Resurrection

2009-11-10T01:36:00.003+05:30

Dear purveyor of the Center of the Weird Side or whatever this blog is called,

This blog.. no.. epistle of electronic awesomeness..no.. electronic scripture.. good..but not there yet.. hol-e-book.. or whatever.. has been on and off.. like our Great Leader's penchant for butterscotch ice cream..on little children or goat nipples. Goat nipples are of course called udders.

As you can be aware such a rich epistemology or in simple layman's terms, awesomeness, cannot be unrequited for too long. Our Father figure and ass abuser (though the donkeys don't mind it so much) has decreed this morning, that this blog be resurrected.

Ha! You may say. Ha!

Resurrections is not possible. Life is a form of fire and once a fire is extinguished it cannot be reignited. It is like a flatulence that once passed cannot be recollected and liquified as cooking gas. We can assure you that this is simply not possible. We have tried.

However, sometimes a fart can be ignited. There are videos on youtube that document the same. In exactly the same way, a person can be resurrected. In exactly the same way. Like Jesus was. Or Batman after Superman allegedly killed him. Or the person who we can't name (PW2CN) will be judgement day.

Heck, everyone will be resurrected on judgement day. There's also supposed to be a lot of fire. Don't say Our Clairvoyant Casanova didn't tell you the source of all that energy.

So resurrection is like lighting a fart. That's the teaching point of this epistle of elephantine electronic empathy.

More later.. but did you know?

Pythagorus (who is said to have invented geometry) invented a religion who's central edict was not to eat beans? Some interesting explanations here. And here.

Another tenet of the religion was the belief in the transmutation of the soul, in simpler words, reincarnation. Or, in even more simple words, lighting someone else's fart.

Our Dear Leader signals his approval for this message. Sniff. Sniff. What's that smell?

An apology to Seth McFarlane

2009-11-08T15:57:00.002+05:30

Our great Weeder is supposed to be cavorting right now with the devotees children but in his munificence would like to extend a penis felt apology to Seth McFarlane.

Not to be confused with a line of toys which our Dear Leader loves and uses to lure children to turn their backsides to him, Mr. McFarlane is an animator and creator of 'Family Guy'.

For the longest time on those evenings when the hookah has been stuffed with the finest green of Kerala it is awesome to spaz out with a few farm animals and children while watching cartoons. The young ones like them too.

Disney is just too gay these days so we turned to more adult entertainment.

It is obvious that Our dear Seeder had a major partiality to Southpark as it based around young children. Furthermore, there are scenes where hamsters are accommodated into homosexual people's poop chutes. Our Leader approved immensely. How he approved we cannot say right now as you may think it to be obscene. However, the defect is in you and not our Dear Pleader.

Southpark has conducted wars on Family Guy in particular accusing it of being written by sea animals. Immediately, we decided to start watching Family Guy as you know, we like animals. Very much.

We have concluded that the character of Stewie Griffin and Brian the dog are so brilliant that the obvious plagiarism of the Simpsons seems a lesser charge. Furthermore, the awesome manner in which the usual tropes of science fiction are manipulated within the situational context is fucking good. Fig jam. Fucking I'm Good. Just Ask Me. Fig Jam. Remember that.

Whatever happened to our favourite politician Priya Ranjan Das Munshi?

Sadly, he is deeply ill and in a coma. Luckily for us he has managed to rise to occasion by retaining his position as the President of the Indian Football Federation.

We would like to say on behalf of our Leader who approves with glazed eyes and a fall off his throne that it apt that the President of AIFF should be a man in coma. If that is symbolic of Indian sport we don't know what is.

Year in Review 2008-2009

2009-08-19T16:08:00.002+05:30

It is mid August and according to our calendar as good a time as any to take stock.

There has been much drug addling and man-boy-goat love. Our Holey Leader has declared: 'Verily, it is I who has taken his magnificent creature who I have created magnificently'. He then pulled a little ball of hashish out of the creature's poop chute. It was the worst ball of hashish we had ever smoked.

These turn of events notwithstanding we feel it the air of new cultural mileau. Progress has no doubt been made this year.

The Lordship notes with approval that the Prime Minister of India continues to be the man with a downy billy-goat beard and a man whose name is synonous with video messaging. Besides, our Dear Feeder has said that L.K.Advani's bristly moustache would be pokey.

Henceforth, when we are more sober, which is rarely, we are considering taking this insitution in a new direction. Book reviews and shorter posts. Promises our Leader, stroking.. his beard.

Stupidity just got dumber. In India, that's an achievement. Wait.. on second thoughts, it's not.

Clowns

2008-07-30T09:21:00.002+05:30

His Majesty, the Directess of all Directors, threw a party which was to culminate in a grand magic trick where he would pull a laddoo out of his hair and impress the ladies, goats and children.

However, some clown gate crashed and dunked his head in the punch.

after that, everything was different. everyone just talked about the clown and forgot about the magic trick. The Director in anger, fell asleep behind the curtains.

All people and the media now can do is talk,talk,talk about the clown. So what if the ice was running out? so what if dinner was late and people were hungry? everything was different. Everything had changed.

Or was it? There was still no ice and no food.

Shouldn't clowns be ignored or they win because all they want is attention?

Randy Pausch

2008-07-27T10:30:00.003+05:30

Google news had Carnegie Mellon as a major newsmaker and it could mean only two things, either they had discovered the method to combat global warming or Randy Pausch was dead.

In the scheme of things, there cannot be a greater person than our esteemed Director (let us not talk about his zen), but Randy Pausch came pretty damn close.

The courage with which Randy Pausch faced his death has inspired millions worldwide.

His advice on 'Time management' helped us add a second screen to our workspace. However, being supremely drug addled and chasing children/goats we did not see any dramatic increase in output.

His speech on really achieving your childhood dreams also touched a deep chord in our leader who as you know deeply loves children. Like, really really loves them intimately.

In case you don't know what the fuck this post is about you will be advised to watch the following:

Time management: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTugjssqOT0

Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

(He has also written a book based on the lecture. The jury is out about whether it really expands the subject of the lecture independantly).

In conclusion, it must be said in the words of our great leader: that the world needs less bangladeshis and malayalis and more people like Randy Pausch.

Ban the M's

2008-07-27T01:44:00.003+05:30

After relentless bomb blasts in Bangalore and Ahmedabad, our Dear Leader and Weirder-than-thou Director has issued the following statement:

'Please do not panic. We feel that the Rs. 25,000 compensation that the Government will provide to those injured or dead is more than fair reparation for the losses suffered due to the complete failure to protect society from criminals. Take the money and if you don't want it, please donate it to charitable organizations such as, just to mention one off-hand, the Center of the Weird Side.

Terrorism a horrible thing. It is going to destroy society. Not AIDS. Not drugs. Not global warming. Not appropriation of the State by vested interests. It's the goddam Maoists and Muslims. Curses and a pox on them!

To counter the situation we demand that all things with M be BANNED:

Munna bhai. Mangoes. Ma. Moustaches. Monkeys. Mandira Bedi. Mogambo. Mocambo. Mauritians. Money hai to honey hai. Marutis. And so on.

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE SOCIETY!'

End of the statement.

Free advice

2008-07-26T04:20:00.003+05:30

Our esteemed Director (he owns a Maruti Esteem), swift thinker (i think you're getz-ing it), omnivanous eater, with great altottitude, gypsy spirited, having sex 4 times a week at least and so on..

has decided to covert this blog into one for self-help. this is divinely inspired idea and has no resemblance to suhel seth's blog in the Telegraph (we are so pathetic we don't where that was stolen from) Sunday magazine.

Here goes:

Q: Dear Director,

My mother meant everything to me. A few years ago she was killed in a massive train accident. She was so badly injured that we had to identity her by her jewelery. Her mangled corpse haunts me in my sleep. What can I do for closure?

A: Please. This is hardly a problem young fool. Surely you would have received Rs. 2 lakh compensation from the Indian Railways. Buy a top of the line European cycle with that money as it will be hard to get anything else top of the line with that money and enjoy.

In the future, please do not waste our precious leaders time with such inane queries.

Denver Cattle Show '88

2008-07-24T01:50:00.004+05:30

It has been a few days and our MP's have not returned. There is also no sign of the children or the goats.

Speaking of which the Mumbai High Court has upheld the rights of paedophiliacs internationally. We must laud our Courts, our Supreme Leader and Generally An Awfully Nice Guy has declared.

Let us not forget their previous invention, the smoking ban. Please read carefully what I said about Charu Sharma in that post. Are you surprised what happened to the Bangalore Royal Challengers?

Coming back to the main point.. man-boy love is a great thing and nothing to apologize for, as this old man seems to spend all this time doing.

Our Director and Misleader, deeply missing his favourite goats and children, took occasion from his daily substance abuse to watch the trust vote.

He was agitated that when the stacks of money were waved around. He was sad that he was not the Speaker and could have put away the money 'as evidence only'. I mean.. someone should go out there and see if the money is real by testing if it really works. We volunteer our noble and independent institution, the Center of the Weird Side, to this. Mr. Speaker Sir. We are at your service. Our Stupendous Leader too.

There were some great speeches made. Parliament as an exhibition of human variety is unparalleled. Not even the Miss Universe franchise can come close. Though our Leader himself prefers the Denver Cattle show. The show of '88 was a classic. Apparently there was this bull there with a great big..

it seems we have to go now. But democracy is a good thing. Especially, since it protects paedos.

Bad math and coming darkness

2008-07-21T01:56:00.006+05:30

Yes our Holiness 'had' promised to clean up his act and not hang out that much with the children and goats and stay about from the 'prasad' but the Divine had other plans...

Anyway, his Holiness now has expressed the will to mumble some wisedoms.. this should be all you are concerned about.

When Mayawati had won her last election our fine Institution had put up this statement. No wait... it was this one.

We had stated she was the best person to win. And we stand by the statement.

Maya Aunty

A reliable source, a corporate top honcho, though obviously deeply biased by class yet we can assume was bearing true witness, stated that in a meeting to discuss investment in U.P., Mayawati came bounding out of the bathroom to greet them still tying her pyjama drawstrings, swaggering like a man at them. Not quite Oxford, what chaps? We are not aware if they had to immediately shake her hand. We would have gone with the namaste.

Worse still, our Supreme Leader for Life and Incarnation/Reincarnation, was deeply disappointed to see that Mayawati seemed too interested in erecting statues of herself and generously handing out political vendetta instead of governance. We who believe in honesty, sexual prowess and an infinite supply of free underwear to all citizens as well as democracy, know that the people of UP will not stand for this for too long.
But more on that later.

The trust vote

The Indian media has gone to town proclaiming that it's a 'Great Bazaar'. In fact we too went to Lok Sabha and bought two MP's at a racked out price of Rs. 20 crore. We were sad because later on rediff we found that MP's we going at Rs. 15 crore. However, we felt better when some fool paid Rs. 100 crore for an MP and was refused! Also our MP's have run away with some of the Director's favourite children and goats.

We found out that this vote is not going to be decided by money, it's going to be decided on the next elections.

There is a strange nuance at play here.

The Congress and the Left would like us to believe that it is all about the Nuclear Deal. The BJP wants us to believe that given the constitutional frame-work of a trust vote, it is about faith in the government.

The government has fucked up over the last four years. yet, we need the deal. it's not critical but it's better for the country. a step in the right direction. or maybe not.

So various options exist. You can:

1. vote for the UPA if you like them. UPA, RJD etc

2. vote for the UPA if you like the deal. SP, NC etc

3. vote against the UPA if you hate Sonia's haircut- Mayawati, TRS, TRP etc.

4. vote against the UPA if you hate Americans- the Left cheek.

5. vote against the UPA if you like 'urdu speakers'- SP rebel.

6. Abstain if you can't make up your mind. Obviously, Mamata Banerjee, a few depressed surds and some Shiv Sainiks.

7. Free dinner parties. Everyone.

We can understand that elections are inevitable. Then why is the Congress risking so much for what?

It doesn't add up?

The answer, and this goes out of the numskulls in the Indian media: is because Manmohan Singh wants the deal.

I really think that his economic assessment of sanctions and embargoes of our country is hurting us and he wants to end this. He confronted the BJP about this when they did Pokhran II in the Rajya Sabha.

But the opposition has made this one about political convenience and that is what is going to determine what happens. Not principles. And except for the odd straggler, definitely not money.

The future and what's at stake

It was touch and go for India's liberalization process in the last confidence vote. It's touch and go for the scientific progress for India now.

If it happens, awesome. If it doesn't. We're fine today. We'll be fine tomorrow.

But it's the emerging political fallout that is immensely interesting.

A new order is forming very fast and the next elections are going to be better than Shilpa Shetty's yoga video. (Our Director recommends it seriously). At least buy the VCD if you are financially constraint.

The Left is going to be reduced significantly in the next elections. Prakash Karat has led the party off the ledge. People are deeply disillusioned with the party. Unless, they make the government fall. Even then that will staunch but not stem the bleeding.

However, if people in Kerala like coconuts and Bengalis love mustard, people in UP love making Prime Ministers. I really think the Congress has picked the losing side in UP in the next Lok Sabha elections. Unless Amaritabh Bacchan-Singh-Ambani can cook up some real magic, Mayawati is going to sweep UP.

the random Southies will then join her bandwagon because they'll want Dalit votes. And nothing attracts randoms like the perception of power.

Maya Aunty- Prime Minister

She's a Dalit superstar. And she is going to be the king maker in the next Parliament. Maybe even make a Queen.

Will this be a good thing for India?

In politics there is really no good or bad. It's like a law of science. It's about inevitability.

If the economic progress of this country leaves out the poor and the marginalized and if the poor and the marginalized are in the vast majority, they are obviously going to elect someone that they would consent to having in power. the poor accept corruption but they would like one of their own to get the spoils. the one who manipulates them the best gets the gaddi. Mayawati holds the right caste credentials and a phenomenal base to build her prime ministerial ambitions from.

it is not clear who will win the next election but one thing is clear: the intellectual classes of india have failed the poor. what is to be done?

help us trace the MPs we bought and who ran away with our children and goats and we promise that we will introduce you to them and encourage friendships. lose yourself in these simple pleasures.

the night is always darkest before the light.

On returning, Mandala and China

2008-04-18T01:35:00.002+05:30

well yes .. hello! hello! dear non-existent readers of this all (non-existentially) important blog.

we are now back on line. the connection has been restablished.

His holiness, Director, Center of the Weird Side has been engaging in great spiritual quests... this includes doing severe penances to propriate the Gods, reading the Mandala of Sherlock Holmes , eating some major carbs, thereby destroying his life, piece by piece. Badly addicted to porn and drugs, we have only now been able to rouse his Holiness from this haze of self destructive pleasure

Due to the above-mentioned reasons, between January to April, we have accomplished an amazing amount of nothing. If nothing was measurable, nay, the word i am looking for is quantifiable, being amenable to being bottled and sold, then we would have been nothing billionaires. We could have funded wars for world domination. It's a bit like this blog's non-existent importance. it's all nothing nothing. two negatives do not always make a positive.

during this time, many events of note have occurred.

In particular we attempted to try and find an argument to take China's side on the Tibet thing.

The fact of the matter is that Tibet is an integral part of China.

At least it was part of a China which respected the authority of the Dalai Lama and the seperate cultural ethnic identity of Tibet. When the Mainland was sort of destabilized circa 1930, Tibet then declared (quite opportunistically) independence. No country in the world accepted this declaration of independence and till today, no country does. And then the People
s Army of China re-established control. So technically, Tibet is part of China.

But the thing is.. 'technically'.

Given this historical perspective, it makes a tempting argument-a secular minded government looking to remove the tyranny of organized religion (the office of the Dalai Lama is almost identical to that of the Pope and we all know how much damage he wrecks) and which is already fast regaining a position of great power in the world. The Tibetans should march shoulder to shoulder with the Chinese.

The issue is however of cultural homogeneity. Of imposition of a cultural template which in this case is primarily Han Chinese. Such an imposition, despite all the fingers to Kashimir, India has assiduously ignored. If anything hindus have been at the receiving end.

The crux is this: which is preferable, oppression and corruption in a religious state and oppression and corruption in a communist state.

If the state is Buddhist, i'd choose the Dalia Lama over Mao any day.

So sorry, for all the atheism nonsense, China cannot engage in demographic warfare and earn the praise of our highly drug addled but still awesomely fantastic, Director.

Yes.. glad to get that out of the way.

More to follow. Watch this space.

Play review: Tim Supple's Midsummer's night dream

2008-01-18T02:36:00.001+05:30

Last year, people came away dazed by a play sponsored by the British Council, Shakespeare's Midsummer night's dream.

There was a buzz about people swinging about on stage, suspended in mid-air, dialogs in various languages, sri lankans and most intriguingly, female abdominal muscles.

i was not going to miss the return of this play for the world..

now i hate mass hysteria. i showed with my most critical eye and was supremely resolute in being as unimpressed as possible.

I mean.. first of all it's Shakespeare, in a mix of indian dialects with acrobatics, live accoustic accompaniment, a singing stone, dancing, singing.. it seemed too..gimmickish.. also there's the perpetual cash cow- india's oriental erotic charm.

me..i was not be swayed.

but by half time i had to concede that the thing was just fucking bumping.

now the average absorption rate of a shakespeare play for me is around 5%. if it is well produced and executed i come away with the vague notion that there was confusion and it was resolved amicably in the end. there was some antonio-bessanio type people, things were compared to the moon on occasion and people mumbled 'oh i say.. shakespeare's awfully good old chap what?' in the foyer. given the fact that this play was in several languages, i think i understood around 2%. (but i didn't fall asleep like i did during 'hirak rajar deshe').

i came out all warm and fuzzy during the half-time, ruminating the delicately subtle point of the universal nature of man illustrated by the seamless delivery of dialog in one language responded to in another language. then i was brought to earth by the snatch of conversation between two evidently hennaed punjabi woman, one of whom remarked:

'oye ji.. i hate malayalam'

i could understand how offensive semi-naked dark sri lankan men with their hair grown out acting most beastial would be to them. i share the sensibility after all. i then proceeded to pee next to amitav ghosh.

which bring me to the most important part...

the female abs. they're real. they exist. and they are to be seen to be believed. the titillation is so subtle.. from the fondling of the donkey's phallic lauki to the wild passionate expression of lust.. so artistic.. it's like having your hair tousled by a warm, gentle summer breeze.

so the play flies dudes. it's a feast for the senses. you should watch it if it comes your way. even if it's shakespeare with malayalam in it.

chocopie scam

2007-11-30T17:30:00.000+05:30

The Center of the Weird Side has a most important announcement for its millions of readers worldwide.

Our researchers have toiled night and day- the result is astounding as well as it is astonishing. The have dug out a deep rooted conspiracy. Something so large .. so overwhelming that not just the the mind boggles.. it woggles foggles and soggles as well.

What you are about to hear might change your life forever.. so be calm.. be composed.. children and elder citizens and those with heart conditions are advised use discretion while continuing to read.

*dramatic pause*

The Lotto Chocopie is a big scam. Yes ladies and gentlemen this is a fact. It may be a truth too harsh to contemplate. You may bite your finger and curse at this terrible turn of events. but it is only too true.

On the cover a marshmallow center is not just promised there is a long standing convention of one actually being present.

The promised Marshmallow Center

Now suddenly over the past few months there is no marshmallow at the center. Instead there is a thin layer of a somewhat-brown caramel. It's horrible.

This is greatest form of treachery. be careful of it. you have been warned.

india's best cricketer

2007-11-24T00:16:00.000+05:30

We have been studying the case of which player is the best in the Indian Cricket Team.

Certain people make very strong cases:

1. Mahendra/MSD/Mahi Re etc:

His captaincy has been a revelation. He's the kind of rare player, much rarer Indian player, who relished responsibility. he seems to like leading from the front and this spurs him onto better performances.

But no it is not him.

2. Sachin/ Tendlia etc:

Has been scoring prolific 90's. but no it is not him either.

3. Zaheer Khan:

This guy is a bloody good bowler. Our studies have shown that Allah is the most merciful, most benefical ..for.. bowlers. Communal jokes apart.. he has shouldered the responsibility of the bowling attack with great aplomb.

We also studied the cases of Harbhajan Singh, Robin Uthappa, Anil Kumble (special mention). Heck we even studied Sourav Ganguly's nomination.

But the maths just adds up to one thing. India's best player is:

Misbah-ul-Huq.

In case you are wondering whether he plays for the ICL you are mistaken. Actually he plays for Pakistan.

Mishbah ul Huq is such a tragic character the deserves to be either a Shakespearen Moore or a member of the Indian Cricket Team. Perhaps his abilities and achievements are proof of the genetic affinity of people in the sub-continent...

I have seen him lose at least two matches, one not in the least the final of the twenty-twenty world cup with the same shot. We now call the holing out to short fine leg when attempting the 'lappa' the Misbah special.

Aah! the sheer joy of seeing a guy on another team choke with such amazing regularity is such sweet succor to a Sourav Ganguly fan. The only equivalent joy is watching South Africa in crunch matches.

But here's the part which has the Mullah's beard in a twist: if it weren't for Misbah they would have not come close to winning and lost, but be thrashed.

but the lingering feeling of so close, yet so far.. its..its like softcore porn.

One's hearts must go out to Pakistanis to have them messed with like this. But then again.. they're a Dictatorship and who cares? not me.

Today i watched Misbah miss out on a century in what could have gone down as one of the finest innings played by a Pakistani batsman on Indian soil by .. JUMPING IN THE AIR while in the crease to avoid being hit by the throw.

the inanity, the tragedy, the comedy, the disbelief..the relief.. this could so easily be an Indian.. the joy .. all this is happening to Pakistan.. AGAIN!

The best part is that he can't be vilified like Taslim Nasreen because again.. they only are in the game because of the guy.

Ah! Pakistan.. my heart goes out to you..

then again.. it is a dictatorship and who cares?

not me.

Documentaries

2007-10-20T23:54:00.001+05:30

The Director, Centre of the Weird Side, is watching with approval a series of 10 documentaries being aired on the BBC.

The one from India, 'In search of Gandhi' was excessively left leaning in its lens. It started with the eviction of slum dwellers in Ahmadabad and then goes to poke at the coals of what is left of the Gothra riots.

It shows Gujarat lies heavily divided along caste, poverty and religious lines- the three things the Fakir in his Underwear railed against most.

The Directest of the all Directors, enjoyed the fresh perspective it put on caste divisions within villages -a point hardly covered or not made very well in the indian media. however, its was too prakash karat in its anti-development skewer for it to fly in our Learned Directors opinion.

The one, his Handsomness the Director, was watching out for was 'Bloody Cartoons' made by a Danish filmaker/journalist Karsten Kjaer.

The fucking thing that stumped our Dear Director was the revelation (admitted by one of Sunni Islams most prominent leaders) was that the Koran does not ban depictions of the Prophet. It is Sunni philosophy which bans imagery (which includes Jesus and Moses). This was a stunning fact to find out. The moment of the documentary was when Karsten visits a sort of religious supermall in Tehran and buys the last Prophet Mohammed poster (A Disney hero like depiction which ever since the Danish cartoons will not be printed as the Sunni leaders have agreed not to sell them as solidarity gesture with the Sunnis). He should sell it on eBay.

Karsten Kjaer is dirty type of overweight white guy - you can practically smell his mustiness from the TV as he thrusts himself upon unsuspecting muslim leaders in a manner not dissimilar to Michael Moore.

The assumptions of the documentary maker are very clear as in the Gandhi documentary. The muslims overreacted without even looking at the cartoons. One thought that the bomb prophet looked like a Sadarji when finally he was showed a cartoon. It is for this reason that the favourite book of our Superduper Director is Satanic Verses (without having read it).

The Director also waved feebly in approval when his views that fatwas are politically motivated were proven. There is an international movement by the Islamic leaders to have a global law on blasphemy. Our proud Director passed wind loudly and noxiously when asked what he thought about this.

the best documentary so far was 'please vote for me' - nastily and dirty election fought by Chinese school children for the post of class monitor.

In conclusion, it must be said that our Maginificent Director is quite the documentary slut. He mumbled eloquently that one must watch but also be aware of the personal biases of the documentary maker. And one must also eat less beans to prevent gas.

No cooking

2007-10-09T21:34:00.001+05:30

The Director/President for Life,Foremost intellectual/Purveyor of purveyors/ Most wonderful/ Very nice, CENTER OF THE WEIRD SIDE, has studied the sudden rise in homosexuality and has found the following reasons to be fuelling it:

1. Mayawati

2. "No Reservations" - a movie which involves fine dining, a male opera affectioniado pasta chef and the rehabilitation of a child who has just lost her mother. catherine zeta jones' dress is not shredded by Zorro at any point during the movie even though knives are brandished. lame.

3. The Ponds Ad (upon male taking sudden interest serving a meal due to improved complexion of beau... do you accept cards? only if it says" i..love.. you")

So we a see the vicious cycle of reservation and cooking behind this pandemic.

The youth in Uttar Pradesh and its adjunct areas are advised to surround themsleves with pictures of Madhuri Dixit in a backless choli or later-day Govinda posters. Furthermore, men are advised under no circumstances to do any cooking and if cooking must be done, then to do some macho testosterone boosting activities like B-B-Qing or carrying away the neighbour's wife and enslaving her to do the household chores.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Fear and Loathing in Law School

2007-10-03T11:09:00.001+05:30

Last a week a friend of mine was stabbed to death in Bangalore.

He was not the kind of guy who would like mourning. So I shall not try to be too sappy. Furthermore, if you see my post on suicide, you will know that I do not consider death tragic. However, there are times when death can be brutally senseless.

I think I can remember four people who died in college– one smashed out of his mind hit a road railing on his bike, two suicides and another really messed up guy who O.D-ied on the street outside college. But I would lie if I said those people meant anything to me. And they were all practically suicides. You shook your head and continued with life.

Looking at a dead person’s Orkut page is like seeing a ghost. It makes your hair stand on edge. Alyosha Kumar’s tells me that he loved ‘ridiculousness’.

Alyosha had a complex sense of humour. ‘Ridiculousness’ is the kind of word that describes his antics and jokes. But I loved to run into him on campus or in the hostel. He said and did spectacular things all the time. Some people considered him weird but to me he was without a doubt one of the bright sparks in law school. Amongst all the Fuglies in the world with their head up some Professor, Senior Advocate or Partner’s ass, he kept a smile on my face.

He was a gifted defender at Football with great tackles. He was also a fantastic Basketball player. Alyosha was a supreme athlete and was tough as nails. Another quality extremely rare in college. But he wasn’t some weird stupid jock. We mooted together and were part of a firm that put me on a Vienna team something I will be grateful to him for that till I die. He may not have topped his class but he had a fantastic legal brain along with wide-ranging eclectic interests including music and books.

That is just one of the most senseless things about this particular death. Alyosha was someone who was so full of life. A genuine character who can never ever be replaced.

There are so many events that conspired in his death.

For starters he was never supposed to be in Bangalore at that time.

In Law School, the student body is supposed to be responsible for its own discipline. Then, came along this guy who I compare to Greg Chapell, who decided that he needed control over the disciplinary mechanism in order to fix the ‘wrong’ students. Since then, it becomes the responsibility of Appointed Students to report people to the faculty for suspension or even rustication. Nazi informants or Prefects for 23 year olds. You decide.

So a fellow student got Alyosha suspended for three months extending his stay in Bangalore. I think for possessing marijuana or something like that. He was stabbed hours before he was supposed to leave Bangalore for good. There will blood on the hands the people responsible for holding Alyosha back no matter how unintentional or good intentioned their actions were. The person who snitched must think- what if..

Then, there’s the present climate against non-Kannada speakers in Bangalore. My friends in Bangalore tell me that people are forever pissed off nowadays. Angry and itching for a fight. And Bangalore could rival Delhi when it comes to harassment of women especially once it gets dark. It is the only city I know that turns into a war/riot zone on New Year’s eve with biker gangs roaming around or setting up road-blocks to create trouble.

Yes, South Indians are mistreated by North Indians. Agreed. Yes, there are a lot of losers from North India who bring their obtuseness to Bangalore. However, racism for whatever justification is still racism.

There is this trait in the Kannada movement, typified as the sort of treachery that is being exacted by the Gowda family (who are at the vanguard of the movement) on the BJP right now by not honouring the power-sharing agreement. This goes right down to the auto driver on the street and the petrol pump vendors. These are people who jeopardize the futures of their children by not teaching them English in schools or justifying and spreading xenophobia amongst their people and violence as a solution. And when H.D. Kumaraswami’s son smashed a local restaurant (Empire) for not serving him food late at night, his excuse for signing a confessional police statement was that he could not read Kannada well!

And whatever is the solution to the spoiling of Bangalore’s atmosphere by loose moral outsiders I would suggest that stabbing people to death is not the solution. Nobody deserves to be stabbed and die bleeding on the road no matter how reckless a life they lead.

Alyosha Kumar it was a pleasure to know you. My condolonces to your parents and family.

Ridiculousness. That’s how I’d remember your sense of humour. Even your death, for that matter.

two bits about TT

2007-09-23T15:23:00.001+05:30

Every Indian blogger in the world will be writing about TT world cup.

So here are my two bits of wisdom.

It is now that i realize what was wrong with Indian cricket. It was the captain being free to chew his nails. This was the primary flaw of Sachin, Sourav and Dravid.

With a wicket keeper as Captain it is impossible to chew one's nails as it is hard to get the wicketkeeping gloves into one's mouth. Futhermore, even if one succeeds in doing so, there are the finger protection caps in the glove that would prevent any damage to the nails.

The following are my concerns about the future of Indian cricket:

1. The role of the seniors

A lot of people will say that the seniors, especially the holy triumvirate , suck and should be dumped. Scarily i hear some people whisper that Greg Chappell was right all along. If anyone thinks that the team could play fearless cricket with that surly old man around in the dressing room please get your head examined. (what's with the Chappells? Why are they so grumpy all the time?)

The firm of Sehwag-Gambir are never going to be in the league of Ganguly-Tendulkar as an opening pair. They are the greatest ODI opening batsmen pair ever. Their record is better than Hayden-Gilchrist. India is also struggling for a number three which i agree with Vengsarkar should belong to Dravid. So save your tripe.

Agarkar should have been told to fuck off a long time ago. Zaheer Khan is still India's best bowler. In fact i believe this was the only contribution of Greg Chapell to Indian cricket, i.e., he concentrated on building a pool of good fast bowlers. this has really helped india in the long term.
But Greg fucked Irfan Pathan up in the head. It's good to have him back. What a waste of talent.

I believe the seniors should be able to make a smooth transition into the new team and the team will benefit from their wisdom.

2. Aur main ban gaya Dhoni

Kapil Dev took Indian cricket to a new level as did Sourav Ganguly to some extent. While Dravid didn't take the team backward like Azharuddin.. he didn't take it much forward either. Dhoni is the next level, the real deal.

What really strikes me is that everyone on the team is talking about how they have the best dressing room atmosphere ever.. guys who have been on other tours under other captains.

What i really hope is that the administrators and the public don't get to him.

this a situation where his long hair will stand him in good stead.

Guys with long hair have to cop so much shit from roadside romeos as well as relatives that Dhoni has had good preparation for being Indian captain. I think he should do what he has to do without being affected by winning or losing in true Rudyard Kipling style.

3. The role of the BCCI and administration

A lot of people say that India doesn't have a coach forgetting that we have two - Robin Singh and V. Prasad. And if anyone scoffs at that, please notice that it was more than evident that India had practiced bowl-outs while Pakistan under Geoff Lawson hadn't. So much for the foreign coach theory.

What scares me is that this run of victories is going to make people overlook how cricket is badly administered in India and how our administrators play petty politics with cricketers.

The pay dispute is still not settled. God knows what is going to happen when Dhoni asks for his team in selection matters.

Reaching the finals is a spectacular achievement and a fact that the new India is better at partying and handling pressure than anyone thought.

nudity across the border

2007-09-19T18:23:00.001+05:30

As an Indian, one has been used to strange demands being made by Pakistanis.

But I can't imagine why they want General Pervez Musharaff to take off his clothes.

This is more strange because leading the chorus is Benazir Bhutto. Now here is a head covering women of great nobility and wisdom. Surely, she would have a better sense of propriety.

But because i am a psuedo-intellectual i will give the Pakistani's the benefit of doubt.

surely public disrobing is an acceptable practice there. perhaps done with great skill and enjoyed by the elite of society. Like Japanese Geisha or American strippers, perhaps their Army Staff disrobe as a sign of great wisdom and sensibility once they've one patiala peg too many.

In Asswipe College, when the Pakistani guys visited, the things that went as women, used to just lose it. All morality. All decency. You feel bad watching a woman degrade herself like that. Like decent old American gentlemen who are assaulted by Briney Spears in their media. They would shake their heads and say - is this why i fought Hitler?

Similarly, you shake your head and say it this why i support the BCCI team (the only sacrifice the modern indian boy makes for his country)? The girl-thingy's -They drool. They stalk. They hound. Just because they're pink and dress well is no excuse. Shameful!

Moving on and not mentioning what happened when Deepika Paudokone visited during the fest fashion show representing Mount Carmel College we return the point of the appeal of the Pakistani male.

Also watching several rape scenes in Hindi movies i know that when people sometimes want your clothes to come off, that has a tendency of happening. So i would advise General Pervez Musharaff that his uniform is coming down, one way or the other. to minimize the damage, i advise the following:

1. Hit the gym. stay off the biryani and whisky. lean tissue and fat-cutting supplements only.
2. get a brazillian
3. invest in a good pair of undies. the white banded boxers are in. calven klien or tommy hilifiger.

at least the damage to the viewer will be less.

Bye bye Captain

2007-09-15T13:09:00.000+05:30

Perhaps the best manifestation of the kind of pressure International cricketers are under is by the curious condition of Mark Trescothick.

Mark Trescothick, if reports are to be believed, suffers from stress induced clinical depression. He turns into a Manager's nightmare on match eves and this has forced him to pull out of two series.

And he's British. Representing a country till year before last year's Ashes where cricket was falling in popularity like Europe's birth rate. This is a country where cricketers can go and have ice-creams with their girlfriends at the local shop. Everyone's watching the footballers. Pressure? What pressure?

How mentally strong or rather thick skinned a person needs to be in order to be a member of the Indian or Pakistani cricket team, one can only imagine..

Many people feel that just because cricketers make so much money they can take a crap on them as and when they feel like. As if years of hard work and the risk of coming through a hopelessly over-bureaucratized system means nothing. Tendulkar is a star because we the Indian people say he is. And abusing his mother, calling his wife ugly and his kids retards when he lets us down is adequately fair compensation for his Ferrari.

Nobody, except his ugly wife maybe, will know why Dravid quit the captaincy.

That's probably because there are so many reasons one can ascribe to it! Let us go through them:

1. Over criticism in the media/selectors.
2. Sharad Pawar's bad breath
3. Internal politics in the team (apparently Sachin and Ganguly have formed an axis against him)
4. Dipping batting form in Tests.
5. Impotency, nausea and dizziness.
6. Inability to distinguish between colours.
7. Missing Greg Chappel.
8. Silent protest over the Sethu Samundaram project
9. Solidarity with the exclusion of Manoj Tiwari for the Twenty20 team.
10. Dhoni refusing to get a haircut.
11. Tiger Woods, Roger Federer and Theiry Henry advised him to do so sneakily on the set of the Gilette ad.

Dravid leaves behind a strange legacy. History will remember him as the Captain under whom we won a Test series in England, a Test match in South Africa and some stuff in the West Indies. We will also remember him as the person who presided over that World Cup first round exit.

I was quite warming up to him. I think his batting during the ODI's in England was exceptional.

On the other hand looking back, he seemed a guy a little isolated and he made biting remarks about the media showing his otherwise unflappable calm.

Well, being the Indian captain is a thankless job and we must all thank Dravid for doing his best.

P.S. The Indian team under Dhoni seems to be having a blast at the Twenty20 world cup. How long he can continue in his easy way before we all get to him.. we shall have to see..

Under the sea

2007-09-13T19:15:00.000+05:30

The Supreme Court of India will settle an issue which the world has debated since it's inception.

Where Plato, Socrates, Descartes, Einstein, the Pope, Ayotollah Khoemeni and Richard Dawking have failed, our respected Judges are expected to rule definitively and settle as supreme arbiter of law under the constitution of India - whether God exists!

The strange case of Lord Ram v. The Union of India, (AIR) 2007 SC

Rather specifically, they are to decide for us Hindus whether Lord Ram existed and did all the cool stuff he did.

The reason: The affidavit by the Archeological Survey of India in the Supreme Court stating that there is no scientific evidence to suggest that Ram ever existed.

The result: the brandishing of trishuls and many truck drivers lost tires.

The general point about the protestors can be made again and again. In a civilized democracy one would hope that there are better ways of expressing dissent than destroying public and private property and hopefully without brandishing trishuls as a warning to all and sundry.

I find it peculiar that the Supreme Court of India should have to adjudicate over the existence of Ram. One would have to express serious reservations as to exactly what is the scope of the present inquiry before their Lordships.

Secularism and psuedo-science

The high pundits of ‘secularists’ – the Congress and Left- have no problems in passing laws against the sentiments of Hindus earning them the tag of ‘psuedos’, a term normally referred for torn jean/jhola kurta JNU/Jadavpur University poets and playwrights who due to excessive marijuana smoking and reading of Shakespeare and Marx have lost all touch with reality.

On the other hand, we have the Parivar, who believe just the way Osama informed us that Islam is a religion of peace (his latest 'black beard' video), that secularism is implicit in Hinduism. Such tolerance is obviously on display in Gujarat and in Praveen Tagodia, the mild-mannered professor of peace.

One would hope that the ASI, no matter how crap a job it does protecting our national monuments, would be stocked to the brim by Indiana Jones type people who when asked their opinion on matters of national importance would rise to the occasion hat and whip in hand.

however, they way their opinion has been overridden by Sonia Madamme would make you wonder about exactly how 'expert' this body is and whether its just politically convenient science [wouldn't that be amazing .. gravity defying politicians who could make all our money disappear at the click of a button].

The media reporting has been sensationalism and stoking the fire (and these people we are to believe the sachar-committee-thumbing protectorate of secularism).

The most dangerous bit of misreporting in the newspapers has been the reporting the affidavit as the Central Government's stand rather than some crackpot two bit historian in the ASI who was looking for his chance to foist his secular credentials on us.

Of course, one would have to wonder whether such an assertion could take place without the approval of the Central Government.

However, this mistake is so stupid that i would find it hard to believe that its part of a larger conspiracy to divide society. It just reeks of government bungling and oversight that allowed some obnoxious over-zealous marxist historian to get away by such an insensitive submission.

It's almost like some clowntowns who filed a petition in the Calcutta High Court to ban the Koran as violating the Indian Penal Code and Criminal Procedure Code.

On Indian history writing

There are two primary schools when it comes to writing Indian history, the Marxists and the Saffron Nationalists.

The Saffron Nationalists are commonly accused of attempting revisionist history. The best example of which is the deification of Shivaji or Mangal Pandey as Hindu heroes. These historians, best represented by the erudite P.N. Oak, write books such as how the Taj Mahal was formerly a Shiv temple/Rajput palace and that Islam is actually a form of Vedic Hinduism.

On the other hand, we have the Marxists who in their eagerness to disprove their Saffron colleagues over-stretch and would like us to believe that Hinduism never existed in the first place and nobody in the history of man has ever been guided by religious considerations.

They do a better job than the Western historians of rubbishing our culture and like Gurudas Dasgupta, are arrogant and obnoxious.

No points for guessing which school of history the person who wrote that affidavit subscribed to.

Tolerating religious sensitivity

Two weeks ago I read an article in The Statesman which nearly made me choke on my breakfast.

A Calcutta University Physics Professor of all people had written an article about how the existence of the Ram Setu disproved Darwanism and most of the fundamental tenets of science such as how old the human species is and what we know about continent formation.

If a University Physics Professor chooses to dismiss Darwinism and Geology so easily then what chance do other people have?

Like the Bible, the Ramayan and Mahabharat, have been revised several times over. There are several versions, additions and deletions. You even have the ‘satanic verses’ in the otherwise claimed immaculate Koran which some could claim as at attempt at revision.

So how far should we go in indulging religious sensitivity especially when things like development and progress are at stake?

Even if Ram ji did build this bridge should the development of the country be stopped because of that?

If this bridge serves no purpose to anyone today and if we can use the space better we should.

The closest example of this is that, Buddhadeb Bhatacharya demolished numerous temples, churches and mosques to in order to ease traffic and build more bye-passes in Calcutta. This a country which needs roads (even sea roads) not more places to pray.

Or should Astronauts take their shoes off (killing them instantly) on the moon because some of us worship it?

Should we do away with Psychiatry because Scientologists are against it? Should we shut hospitals because Jehovah’s witnesses do not believe in medical intervention?

The logical fallacy of Indian secularism

This takes us back to the essential ideological fallacy when it comes to Indian secularism.

When it comes to Hindus there is nothing like sensitivity. This is laudable because this is what true secularism means. The state takes decisions without its eyes being blinded by religious belief. But suddenly when it comes to Muslims and Christians there is a separate standard.

Despite a constitutional provision and repeated entreaties by the Supreme Court, no government will ever pass a Uniform Civil Code. Like good roads and health services, this is an essential feature of a civilized country. [and I know from personal experience, Family law is one of the incomprehensible and frustrating areas of law compounded by the fact that it so inane , illogical and unnecessary]

In fact, the political reluctance to pass a UCC is the best manifestation of the hypocrisy of Indian secularism. Separate laws for separate religions. A step away from separate taps for hindus and muslims at railways platforms.

Tamil Politics or National issue

Lastly, there is the massive element of local politics.

This is a DMK project (Karunanidhi is an avowed atheist) and the AIDMK is out of power (an important NDA ally). Whether this is a genuine expression of religious sensitivity versus sheer political opportunism is yet to be seen.

Where does this leave us?

This is is not the Ram Temple which pilgrims from all over would come to pay their respects to Ram’s birth place. This is a pile of rocks under the sea. We can’t see it. We can’t touch it. Unless someone comes up with scuba diving pilgrimages, for all we know, Dolphins are doing naughty things there.

At the end of the day, I congratulate the government on taking this brave stand for the sake of modernity and development.

Now, please apply this standard to other religions as well.

And the real stakeholders, the fish have not been consulted. Therefore, in conclusion I quote the crab in the Little Mermaid who sang:

The seaweed is always greener
In somebody else's lake
You dream about going up there
But that is a big mistake
Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor
Such wonderful things surround you
What more is you lookin' for?

Under the sea
Under the sea
Darling it's better
Down where it's wetter
Take it from me
Up on the shore they work all day
Out in the sun they slave away
While we devotin'
Full time to floatin'
Under the sea

Down here all the fish is happy
As off through the waves they roll
The fish on the land ain't happy
They sad 'cause they in their bowl
But fish in the bowl is lucky
They in for a worser fate
One day when the boss get hungry
Guess who's gon' be on the plate

Under the sea
Under the sea
Nobody beat us
Fry us and eat us
In fricassee
We what the land folks loves to cook
Under the sea we off the hook
We got no troubles
Life is the bubbles
Under the sea
Under the sea
Since life is sweet here
We got the beat here
Naturally
Even the sturgeon an' the ray
They get the urge 'n' start to play
We got the spirit
You got to hear it
Under the sea

The newt play the flute
The carp play the harp
The plaice play the bass
And they soundin' sharp
The bass play the brass
The chub play the tub
The fluke is the duke of soul
(Yeah)
The ray he can play
The lings on the strings
The trout rockin' out
The blackfish she sings
The smelt and the sprat
They know where it's at
An' oh that blowfish blow

Under the sea
Under the sea
When the sardine
Begin the beguine
It's music to me
What do they got? A lot of sand
We got a hot crustacean band
Each little clam here
know how to jam here
Under the sea
Each little slug here
Cuttin' a rug here
Under the sea
Each little snail here
Know how to wail here
That's why it's hotter
Under the water
Ya we in luck here
Down in the muck here
Under the sea

reality bites

2007-09-13T13:38:00.000+05:30

Right so last weekend i went to take part in a reality show..

i have been dying to take part in one. i believe that we are really the sixty seconds fame generation and if one does not take part in a reality contest then they will never earn the respect of their grandchildren. it's like if your grandparents werent freedom fighters and your parents weren't hippies.

now i cant sing so that put a major spanner in my ambition as the vast majority of reality shows are singing competitions (not that it prevents other people from trying). im not a star and i cant dance. big brother is for celebrities.

so finally there came along one for cricket commentary.

now when the doctor handed me my birth certificate he also certified that being born within the borders of India i was qualified from birth to not only have an opinion on cricket but to also expect other people to take it seriously. so off i went to try my luck to turn a birthright into a profession.

i once remember watching on Larry King Live (a most gay show) where an old performer lament that - people who become instant stars via reality shows are not genuine because they have never experienced the crap that people who go about it the long way have to. so they are half-baked stars.

this made a lot of sense to me and i agreed at that time. but boy have i changed my mind.

jerry sienfeld may shown up in blizzards for work facing heckling and rakhi sawant may have had to blow her competition away but dude.. its one thing to be a loser and actually show up for this thing... but to be treated like a loser by the people who organize the thing is quite sad.

ive had my suspicions about how exploitative and predatory these shows can be but actually going and being part of one i can have an informed opinion about it.

it's not the guest judges or the event management company, they are quite sweet and do a mind numbing job of dealing with a massive invasion of quite well.. its the production crew. or at least that part of the production crew which is looking to add drama to the event.

while i watched these people go about their job, tricking some people into making fools of themselves and others who did it more than voluntarily, i wondered what made them tick.

as a big fan of the comedy of sacha baron cohen, i think that stupid people are always fair game for intelligent satire. we all had shown up to be made idiots of.. so it's fine.

but when the camera crew came home and fucked with my parents i realized that i had paid a fair price for my investigative journalism.

now, being paid to talk about cricket would be awesome. but if i dont make it, i have a lot of other things i plan to do with my life. however a lot of contestants i met had put aside their whole lives for this. it was a massive deal for them.

i wonder how the producer ...

who went to peoples homes and informed them that they hadn't made and then THEY'VE MADE IT .. and then after the camera was off.. say that she didnt really know either way but had to shoot the emotion

.. live with herself. she told me that some people cried after being put through that.

i told her i didnt envy her job and she told me that if i made it, id have to take a crew and shoot reports. i dont think she understood what i meant.

but then it came to me.

these people really like doing this. its not just a job for them. they relish the fact that people will prostitute themselves for free for the sixty seconds of fame and they know it makes great entertainment. this is the age that tv is not just watched in living rooms but tv is shot in living rooms.

So for the people who become stars via reality shows , the abhijit sawants and the rahul roys, my salute to you. the amount of crap that one has to take during the course of a reality show is equivalent to an entire career of crap.

Whatever said and done, the 'full baked stars' can draw the line of the price of fame at doorsteps.

Suicide is not painless

2007-09-09T12:27:00.000+05:30

I've been dying to blog on this (pun intended) but i was taking part in a reality contest this weekend so i was too caught up to do so. (yes i lead a pretty random life)

when you buy a ticket to the tollygunge metro you have to walk through a subway to get to the platform. dotted along this subway are these dilapidated adverts advocating the number of a suicide helpline and entreating people to seek help. [i would put up pictures but photography is prohibited.. yes.. that will stop terrorists]

i have always been touched by this. i always thought it was most nice of the government and railways to care about the lives of the citizens of the metropolis and putting up advertisements like those.

as an indian mostly used to government apathy and one who has seriously considered suicide in asswipe college (which as seen two suicides and at least 15 attempts in the last few years) to end the sense of constant persecution, i always keep my self-abreast of the latest suicide trends.

but why just suicide adverts in the tunnel? why not an AIDS helpline or a toll free number to buy non-stick cookware?

turns out it wasnt an exactly altruistic gesture.

while the ticket the p.a. system was blaring that a suicide had taken place and that services would be curtailed. no trains were leaving from dum dum and trains from tollygunge would only go half-way.

sitting in the sweltering heat in a packed unventilated train (still better than the mumbai local i used to take to work) it occurred to be that if i was ever angry enough with this cruel world to kill myself i would jump in the metro at 9:30 in the morning.

the most popular ways of committing public suicide in calcutta are either jumping from the howrah bridge or jumping in front of a metro train.

now look at the way lady diana's death touched the lives of people by her death. most of us never have such a chance.

if you hang yourself or consume poision in a room you will only affect your family (the person who finds you will be mashed in the head for life). if you jump from the howrah bridge you might affect a few people in ferry (especially if you land on them). if you jump in front of a bus you can affect a maximum of few hundred people.

but if you jump on the metro at rush hour you can affect the lives of thousands of people.

at this time every minute is precious because being Bengali all of us already late for work. secondly, a lot of us are carrying fish for lunch. ah! the exotic smell of body odour and decaying fish in a constricted claustrophobic environment. delicious!

post the first four years of the metro when the first bright spark got the idea that this was a rather effective way of ending his life and making an impact, suicide in the metro has been on the rise.

it is for this reason that the new metro lines are going to have automatic barricades to prevent easy access to psychos. these will also improve the airconditioning.

the japanese (ever grateful for Justice Radhabinod Pal's dissenting judgement) also want to build a tunnel under the hoogly for the metro but us bongs have said in our usual inimitable way 'hobe na .. hote parei na.. hote parle khoob poisha lagbe' (cant happen, not possible, if possible it will be expensive). but buddhadeb is trying is best to convince everyone as usual.

i hope the barricades do a better job than the dilapidated suicide helpline advertisements.

Sanjay Dutt in Vaishnoo Devi's cave

2007-09-03T12:27:00.001+05:30

Due to objections from religious groups and minority groups (as seen for the Da Vinci Code and Bow Barracks Forever) the following disclaimer had to be added:

THE FOLLOWING IS A WORK OF FICTION AND HAS NOT ACTUALLY HAPPENED

---

SANJAY DUTT: heh ma! bole to log kehte hain ki main half muslim hoon. lekin main hindu hoon maa.. hindu hoon..

TOING!

SHAH RUKH KHAN: Heyehehey! Tum kya sochte hon.. all this prayer will save you from the law.. tum nahin jante ho.. kanoon ke hath lambe hote hain.. kaarm ka fal..

TOING!

Mahesh Bhatt: Dhokha! Muslims ke saat Dhokha hua hai.. Bloody America..

[At that moment he is struck in the head by a bullet and his head explodes.]

SRK AND SANJAY: What the...?

[Salman Khan pokes his head into the cave..]

Salman: Hey dudes! You guys like seen where my bullet is?

SRK: Heyehehey! Kya kiya hain tumne.. You shot Mahesh Bhatt.. now who'll make those crappy B grade films that make Kay-Jo look like a genius.. haainn?

Salman: Oh shit man! What does this crap always happen to me dudes?

SANJAY DUTT: Abe dhakan! Gun chalana nahin aata kya?

SALMAN: Hey dude.. can you like fire it like better than me dude?

SRK: Hey.. tum nahin jaante.. sare mulk mein yahi ek shooter hain jo..

SANJAY DUTT: actually ..bole to..

SRK: Kya nahin aata? But you..

SANJAY DUTT: arre.. we destroyed the guns before i could learn how to use them.. bole to..

TOING!

[Amitabh Bacchan appears. Everyone looks at him expectantly for his words of wisdom]

AB : What? I'm just here to pray...

TOING! [AB disappears]

SRK: He's not talking to me.. see.. see how he ignored me.. heyhehey

SANJAY DUTT: Bole to main bhai ko dubai mein phone kar sakta hoon.. woh usko line pe le aayega..

Salman Khan: No dude.. dont like get into this bhai-shai shit... see my bhais.. arbaaz and what not.. such crap ass films they make..

SANJAY DUTT: bolo to.. what are you guys doing here?

SALMAN: I'm like hunting dudes..

SRK: heyhehey..and i have an important message from Vaishnoo Devi...

[Tain Too Tain Too Tain Too (this is the description of the wail of a siren)]

TOGETHER: POLICE!

SRK: Gyara mulk hi police mujhe dhoondne mein na kaabiyaan nahi hooi hai..

TOING [SRK disappears]

Sanjay: [bitterly] Why dont i have superstar superpowers? I guess we dont have any choice but to give ourselves up like our dads told us to..

Salman: Are they like here for you or me dude?

Sanjay: Bole to.. i think you..

Salman: Why me dude.. are you saying there like something wrong with me..ill fuck you up..

Sanjay: Bole to .. no..no ..dont behave like im vivek oberoi.. im just saying that since you just shot mahesh bhatt .. they must have come for you..

Salman: shit dude.. why does this crap always happen to me?

[Police enters and pays respects to shrine and then promptly arrest Sanjay Dutt]

Sanjay: Bole to.. why me.. what have i done?

Police inspector [played by shakti kapoor] : Aaoo.. you've used VIP transport illegally ...aaoo.. and you're a half-muslim..

Sanjay: Arrest salman.. he just shot mahesh bhatt and bole to.. he's full muslim..

Shakit: aaoo... who the fuck cares about mahesh bhatt.. and we dont hate full muslims.. we hate half ones.. aaoo... next time if you want to visit vaishnoo devi use a bus... when i hear the word bus .. i want to say 'bus'.. 'bus'... 'bahut ho gaya' (shivers suggestively)..aaoo..come now..

[Sanjay Dutt hugs all the policemen and leaves with them]

Salman: Now what the fuck do i do now dudes..

TOING!

[SRK re-appears]

SRK: Heyeyeye.. i can coach you to be the best shooter in the world.. you can get a gold medal in china olympics.. if you cant compete you can go home and cook in the kitchen..

Salman: can i paint instead dude? I like painting..

SRK: Cook ..paint whatever..

Salman: btw.. what message did you have for Sanjay from Vaishnoo Devi?

SRK: Chak de India!

Salman: no seriously dude..

SRK: Karo.. DO..

Salman: If you dont stop with endorsements ill mash you up dude..

SRK: Om Shanti Om..

Dhiskaaaon... [Salman shoots SRK]

SRK (before dying): heyhehye.. that.. was..actually.. the..message... ack..

Salman: Shit dude.. why does this crap always happen to me?

THE END

Mother Teresa's jihad

2007-08-29T01:14:00.000+05:30

Mother Teresa and I have had a tenuous past.

As a small boy with Missionaries of Charity right across school.. i saw here often in her beat up white fiat sitting like a man in the front seat.. arm stretched out.. blue border barely visible over the window but our connection was not severed there..

she visited school once on children's day and we had a to learn a song which went 'welcome! welcome! WEL-COOOME! WELCOME MOTHER TERESA..'

Needless to say that i forgot the words and was punished regularly during the practice. and since she lived across the road she was the backup chief guest for a lot of stuff.. that song haunts me till today.

But if you think that was bad.. the worse was yet to follow..

In class eleven I got to act in a major production of a hearing impaired actor's group called TAP..
while i thought that would get me a few phone numbers... my wildest dreams leapt to reality when the Director informed us that a special show and first full dress/technical run would be done in Loreto House Girl's School and yes.. the whole senior school would be in attendance.

well.. i practiced my autographing skills with lopsided grin and turned up ready to give the performance of my life 7'o clock in the morning..

Only to discover that Mother Teresa had died the night before and the show was cancelled. I had a butter crossaint at Flury's and went home.

As a strong believer in secularism and modernity so let me be frank- the missionaries of charity have always made me uncomfortable.

I have had occasion to meet an advertising executive from Hong Kong, been caught on camera ogling at a model from France sitting next to me as well as random korean post-grads all of who have come to calcutta to cut vegetables and do chores at the Mission.

The thing is why is Calcutta the setting of this Heart of Darkness/self-discovery/save the destitute campaign. Why cant these people go to Africa like Conrad tells them to?

No.. the more troubling thing is that after sixty years of independence what the hell is the government of west bengal doing for lepers and the destitute. Why do Catholics from around the world have to assemble in calcutta to do this stuff.. why do they have this opportunity..

but the hardest question is why people like me do nothing so that people from abroad have a chance to redeem themselves in India.

Mother Teresa had deep problems with spirituality. See here for the TIME cover article on this and the reason for me to write on her.

What is troubling for me is that the Catholic Church is now attempting to use Mother Teresa's crisis to show non-believers that an absence of God in our lives is no proof against his existence in order to combat rising atheism in the West.

It's an extremely convenient argument to make - don't you think?

This is an extremely difficult point to talk about and way beyond my ability to articulate.

I would be a hypocrite if i didnt say this outrught.. like Che Guevera.. Mother Teresa too did some awesome stuff but for wrong reasons..

i always found it hard to believe that someone so dedicated would do something so massive with the extremely narrow conception of God that the Roman Church provides.

That Mother Teresa had her doubts shows how someone so indoctrinated in an ideology can struggle to compartmentalize the world within pre-existing conceptions. It highlights her intelligence as well as sets her apart from other fanatics like Osama, Tagodia and co. who believe blindly whatever they think are tenets of their religion. One must also admire the tolerance of such questioning by the Church.

Some would call Mother Teresa struggle with spiritualism a true jihad. And maybe the Church is right- that's what makes her a Saint.

Still doesnt make God more real or me a star in Loreto House.

The patriotic communist

2007-08-22T13:17:00.000+05:30

For a long time.. approximately slightly over sixty years.. Indians have not known what is good for them.

Thank god we have our Communists brothers to correct our moral compasses when we are so ignorant about India's national interest.

As Mr. Raja, of the Left, articulated so well to a television journalist that since the Communists were part of the freedom movement and always put the country's interests first, we should trust them on their opposition of the Nuclear deal.

It was presumably from wonderful ideological viewpoint that the Left opposed the Quit India movement and pronounced confidently that India will disintegrate in 1948. After all, it is a hallmark of Marxism to decry a State as the tool for the rich to rule the poor. This was Marx's principal difference with Hegel who believed that the State was there to keep harmony amongst various interest groups. AND that is all i know about marx and hegel. oh also that marx had a bushy beard.

Subhas Chandra Bose and Bhagat Singh would be ashamed at their lack of patriotism as compared to the position of the doyen of Indian communism Namboodripad (or however you spell his name) who took the stand that India was the aggressor against China in the Indo-China war. We must thank the Left for their support of the country during war time.

Let the record show that it was the the Left who opposed the entry of computers when Rajiv Gandhi wanted India to invest in IT. It was they who knew that Orkut would destroy India twenty years ago. We didnt listen to them and look at the destruction that computers have wrecked in our country.

Communism is firmly opposed to democracy. It is only in India that we find communists standing part of mainstream politics a tribute to the fact that this country can Indianize and making anything work.

The true face of communism could be seen in the persecution of ideological opponents in cuba, china and russia. A lot of dope smokers eulogize Che Guevera. For all his admirable idealism the sad truth is the man was raving mad. Not only did he smoke cigars even though he was a chronic asthmatic, he wanted a nuclear war between the Soviets and the United States and looked at Kuruchev's backing down during the Cuban missile crisis a betrayal.

A lot of people believe that there is something inherently wrong with islam because of which it is a global terrorist threat. while i do believe that islam poses serious threats to freedom of expression as it is extremely hostile to criticism of its prophet (this is a difficult to say categorically after Hindus have put bounties on M.F. Hussains head and called for his beheading) a lot of people overlook the role of the CIA in creating this terror machinery.

The interesting thing and why i raise this point in the discussion on communism is that it was the United States of America that armed Osama bin Laden, the Taliban and the Pakistani Army the primary drivers of terrorism today) in order to contain Communism. They also armed Saddam Hussain but that was more of an energy security scheme. The CIA sold weapons to Iran (while they were holding over a hundered American hostages) to fund wars in South America against communists.

Post the end of the cold war it this war machinery trained carefully by the CIA which has turned the tables on them. So now communists and islamic hardliners find themselves on the same side.

It is my belief that by arming islamic extremists america has made it more hard for liberal values to take hold amongst muslims. Furthermore, by supporting israel and having a looming presence to secure oil, they have further hardened the people. Flowers do not bloom in shadows.

In India, one of the most important vote banks for communists are muslims. because of the fact that marx thought that 'man needs religion like a fish needs a bicycle', communists treat muslims like their personal cycles on which they ride to power. As the Sachar Committee Report points out, muslims are most backward in communist rules areas.

since i referred to a lot of conspiracy facts (not theories as the above mentioned things are well documented) but i feel a little crazy writing about them i want to talk about my crazy conspiracy theories.

i believe that there is a wide shared conspiracy to keep vote bank politics alive by driving a wedge between muslims and hindus in india. but the communist conspiracy goes further and is much more sinister.

the communists need india to be poor and backward because their primary vote banks are the poor and the backward. if poverty is eradicated in india the share of seats in parliament of the left will go from 50 to 5. i can bet anything on this.

why i feel that this conspiracy is more dastardly is because death during communal riots is instant.. the mob comes and burns you or chokes you with a tire or something... however suffering from the indignity of poverty and dying a slow death of starvation is much worse. i would prefer the former to the latter.

is this funny anymore? I cant tell..

so communists will carry anti-americanism and their stupid ideas to the point where it will hurt india.

but let us not forget.. they have the nation's best interests at heart.

when a bouquet is a brick bat

2007-08-10T00:40:00.001+05:30

Watching Tasleema Nasrin being attacked i learnt a few things.

the first was that bouquets when tossed dont always mean praise. if they are tossed with the great force that the respected members of the andhra pradesh assembly used they can hurt like hell.

it sure seemed so watching the small old man who was trying to defend her get the crap beaten out of him. perhaps it was the introduction of chairs and other things as projectiles but i was impressed with the form shown. it would make the maruading members of the trinamool congress who trashed the west bengal assembly want to brush up their skills. they were good too but post the incident they did not splutter death threats like in this case. it is that additional touch that makes the difference.

muslim right wingers have started to behave like hindu right-wingers. see my blog entry on the fine arts protest.

now, i am of the firm opinion that on the list of people that deserve a public beating with bouquets (i would again point out that its way more harmful than it sounds) tasleema nasrin ranks quite high.

living in calcutta i have had the unfortunate experience of finding her in my vicinity and it has not been a pleasant experience. she speaks at the full volume factory setting a lot of bengali women (a la mamata banerjee as well as my mother) come with in order to attract attention to herself. my ears are still ringing.

secondly, she chooses to write biographical books exposing who she slept with. The visual images are not pleasant.

however, one must spare a thought for the old men who have written perfectly nice books and lead exemplary lives who get beaten up in the process. i feel they are the real victims.

more interesting however was the usual english channel coverage.

perhaps it goes without saying that the people who attacked tasleema nasrin had not read a single word of her book. as an aside it is for that reason that satanic verses is my favourite book. its not like ive read it but if people can hate a book without reading it, i can love it without reading it.

then came the liberal progressive muslim woman who of course said that she should not have been attacked but the indian government has no business to grant her a visa or grant her citizenship because she has made living out of offending muslims. of course, then teesta setalvad arrived fresh from a meeting where four maulanas had contemned the attack.

very sweet of them to take the time out to do so but this observation was best:

'there was no reason to beat her up. she should be jailed instead.'

now while this is a lovely moderate position to take i really would like to think that in a modern secular (such a dirty word) there cannot be something like blasphemy or religious sensitivity.

i really wish the muslim community would take the time out to point out what a suck ass author taslim nasreen is instead of giving her legitimacy by tossing bouquets at her. maybe then she'll just shut up and move to europe.

that way all our problems will be solved.

sliced bread

2007-08-09T13:44:00.000+05:30

A few weeks ago i visted my Dealer so i have not been able to blog for sometime..

I find that since the most important news in that period has been Sanjay Dutt being jailed, Cash has been released, Indian won a Test match and Himesh Bhai appeared on Koffee with Karan.

Moving on from the topic of Koffee with Karan Kap.. er.. cap.. that was presented to Himesh Bhai on the show.. i would like to blog on sliced bread.

Now we all know that sliced bread is a wonderful intervention that has changed everyone's lives. But it has an unfortunate victim. A minorty known as the side slice.

There are only two side slices in loaf of bread and they are highly persecuted. Most people dont want anything to do with them. The are kept for servants or dogs and in some families even dogs give the side slice a wide berth. Some servants take the side slice home for their dogs.

I want to know - what harm has the side slice done anyone in society? Yes, some people have choked to death on side slices and some people have got diarrhea but that was either because the bread was bad and people choke on all kinds of food. why blame the side slice?

well.. i have adopted the side slice. Despite my mother's entreaties not to ..i now ask for it and make sure it is never kept for the servants. My friends laugh at me. They say that i am compromising taste for principles. that the crust sucks ass. But do i care? i dont.

i would ask you too to love the side slice. the crust is an essential part of the bread. it may be different and it may be brown but please.. try to love the side slice. eat half if that's all you can manage but at least try to eat it.

In other news, the simpsons movie will not be released in calcutta.

D'oh!

An extremely short post/dissecting a joke

2007-07-15T15:50:00.000+05:30

Having discussed the Apu protest issue more in detail with Manish as well as the Greeeaaaaat Bong posting on it (and even mentioning this blog) i feel i must say something.

'something'

ha ha ha..sooo funny.. no seriously.. but that was the best part of this post. it's downhill from here on.

Firstly, i am shocked that anyone reads this blog. so i would like to say..thank you! come again..

Secondly.. ok.. secondly is more complicated.. i would like to state my position on some of the dominant themes they have in their arguments. May i also say that it is tragic to dissect a joke. it's like having to take apart a much loved toy to show your friends how it works.

On a 'civilized difference of opinion' and the weakness of the Indian lobby.

Christain leaders in India wanted a slide saying the da vinci code was 'fictional'. instead, the government banned it in some states.

so i would say that when it comes to issues that touch upon indians, be careful, because this is a country which bans things on a hair trigger. ftv as well as axn. sex education has been banned in some states (yes.. there is a government dictat against it).

do you know that books which highlight nehru's buffoonery in international politics and the resultant butt fuck by the chinese are banned in india?

you will agree.. i have a right to difference of opinion and paranoia about indians gamely accepting critcism as well as jokes about themselves. We love banning things too much.

and i really want to watch the movie.

Maybe indians are an easy target in American. Maybe that's why the Barack Obama campaign was stupid enough to come up with Hilary (D-Punjab).

"In general, you would very rarely find offensive racial humor directed towards any group in a mainstream Hollywood production because while Americans are not half as ban-happy as we are, they do know how to vote with their wallets." -Greatbong

However this quote does not hold true for the Simpsons.

More than the Simpsons lampoon the Jews (through Krusty the Klown) they lampoon Christainity through Ned Flanders as well Reverand Lovejoy and whole lot of sketches.

Now respected Academics have written about the power of the Jewish Lobby. I dont know about that but i know that as of now Israel still exists.

Are you trying to tell me Christains are not organized or mainstream in America? Living there you may have heard about something called Christain evangalism or the Christain right? Pat Buchanan? Intelligent Design? Ring a bell.

Do these people look like the would accept jokes? They dont. They constantly protest everything. And now.. congratulations..you have joined their fold.

it's called.. .. clowntown.

I know they're not races but when it comes to offense.. what is sauce for religion is also sauce for race.

if the character of apu is ok, then his economic exploitation is also ok.

if apu is offensive, even to some people because it has hurtful associations then the show and movie must be banned in india. at the very least the parts which show apu should be removed.

you cannot take a position where you say it's ok in the show/movie but now ok in a store. either it's ok or its not. there is no middle path here.

we must care about the people who apu hurts.

Apu and the line 'thank you! come again' are harmful to indians.

i find it funny that i am defending apu especially his accent.

i have personally suffered on my trips abroad especially in the hands of two white south africans who kept laughing at anything i said because i said it with the accent of the indians they knew back home.

i hate the fact that the indian accent has been a traditional humour prop. especially because the fucking french and latin americans can get laid with their accents. its just not fair!

the indian accent is a much vilified commodity. it doesnt help when sania mirza/aishwariya rai /madhuri dixit/bipasha basu put on fake accents (our only chance of making the indian accent sexy) when they speak to international journalists or even indian journalists for that matter.

white people laughed at dave chapelle's sketches angering him to no end when they were laughing at his exaggeration of black stereotypes by saying 'n***** are so like that..'

he recounts how he's walking in a store with his kids and people come upto him stick their crotches out and say "i'm rick jam-es biatch!'. like hello.. there are children here.

that doesnt mean dave chapelle is to blame. its the mindset of these people.

it says a lot about a person who thinks its ok to associate indians with 'thank you! come again..' in an indian accent .

Q: What normal person goes and heckles shop keepers anyway?

A: The kind of people who heckled the indian priest in the senate.

The freedom of satirists cannot be curtailed because racists will misuse their creations.

The campaign is insensitive to indians

Maybe.

Greatbong has said why a store? why not a living room or a factory?

short answer: they are not commercial spaces which the public visit. The only thing i can think of other than the K-wik e mart would be Moe's bar. Then some people will protest that Simpsons is promoting alcholics or are not sensitive to the families of alcholics.

Greatbong also says that Apu has painful associations for a lot of indians. And that the company should have more sensitive to indian feelings.

aah.. does baby-waby not like jokes about baby-waby? Does baby-waby want special treatment?

The thing that freaks me out about this protest is:

You expect people to take note of a sensitivity which may or may not have basis as well as expect other people to order their affairs according to your sensitivities.

what next?

should cow slaughter be banned in america because some hindus are offended by it?

And, you expect this in America?

This is a country which revels in the fact that offense if artful is acceptable. Without this position you would have no Simpsons, no Southpark, no Dave Chapelle, no Sienfeld and no Sacha Baron Cohen. Ok maybe Sacha Baron Cohen (he's british).

For godsake.. they would be no quality PORN!

One of the very few things that i think that countries should emulate about America is the reverance of free speech. Americans do not expect 'sensitivity' from anyone.

Sensitivity is a cancer. If you tolerate it, it will spread to such an extent that everything will be a sensitive issue. Then you will be like Iran where journalists cannot report on petrol rationing. OR this other country..it starts with an I too.

if you're STILL reading this there is one final point..

The fact that a character like Apu exists and his flaws are fearlessly joked about show that some parts of America have accepted Indians immigrants as one of them. It's equally sad that a part of america that will never accept migrants uses the jokes against them.

maybe you'd like the anonymity that Family Guys offers. Keep your head down and the teacher wont ask you any questions.

I dont mean to suggest for one moment racist humour should be tolerated. But the Simpsons, at least in my opinion, is not a racist show.

Just because a joke is based on race does not automatically make it a racist joke.

Both the people who get offended as well as use the joke to offend cannot tell the difference.

--------

An aside on the aside ' go back to your own country/indians are the most racist'

As a person who has employed the converse of the line twice, once to Greatbong on his Mahaprabhu Mahamistana Bhandar post [if you dislike change so much why did you leave?] and to Manish [if you like protesting so much, come back home, you'll find lots of company]

there's no justifying it. it's absolutely sick. as if im doing anyone a favour by staying where i am. more importantly, anyone in his right mind would miss hing er kachori and is allowed to give vent to that.

I want to apologize. It was way out of line to say something like that.

The definition of 'Clowntown'

2007-07-15T14:22:00.000+05:30

Clowntown (pronounced 'Clowntown'):

A person for whom the term 'clown' is insufficient as an adjective. Therefore, to represent the amplification of clown like features in this person the person is likened to a large gathering of clowns, in fact, a settlement of clowns. A place where you have a clown as President, a clown as vice-president, a Priya Ranjan Das Munshi as well as clowns as investment bankers and clowns as clowns.

People in this hypothetical settlement drive funny garishly coloured cars to work. Those who are not affluent to own cars are transported by giant Ferris wheels. Those who have to walk wear large over-sized shoes.

The oversized shoes are symbolic as clowntowns are known to overreact at very little provocation or out of misunderstanding. Clowntowns also liked to feature on television for their views.

'I was jus' walkin round when I saw Markus the Clown jump the building 'cause no un got his flow'r pot joke routine. Luckily he jump'd off the first stair an' no un was hurts' said a passing clown when asked by a television crew for his views of the Markus the Clown suicide attempt.

Protest is unique in clowtown. Hunger strikes inspire great eating as Mamata Banerjee is widely respected in clowntown. Protests are frequent and result in very little.

Use in a sentence:

Bal Thackerey is a clowntown.

Mahmoud Ahmedanajin as a super-clowntown.

America is a clowtown without a Priya Ranjan Das Munshi.

and so on.

A poo protest

2007-07-14T08:33:00.000+05:30

today i read in the papers that the Dabhol Power Project is going to start generating electricity next week.

the only thing i can compare this to was when Laloo lost the election in Bihar.

I guess you are socialized into believing that somethings are never going to change.. so if Enron built us a crap ass Naptha plant and ran away with the money.. you dont expect that some people are actually going to slog their asses off.. convert the plant into a gas one...lo and behold and get it to work!!

here's the best part.. one of the big obstacles was.. farmers opposed the laying of the gas pipe that would feed this plant. on one hand they demand electrification and free electricity but won't let a pipeline run through their farms which would help alleviate the major power crisis that india faces.

but that's not the most ridiculous protest ive heard of this week..

this clowntown seriously takes the cake. i know we're indian and we're easily offended but our man has managed to get onto CNN and NDTV with his indignation in a manner that would make al-zawarqi and scientologists go as green as martians. (sorry martians i do not meant to offend you by coming up with a racial stereotype)

seriously.. how dare americans show an indian as showing entreprenueral shop running, speaking imperfect english, having shady business principles and loads of kids. its unimaginable. it's horrific.

if an indian had to be realistically potrayed in a funny manner he should have been shown as well read, compassionate, clean shaved, sensible as well and handsome and daring. and so that a stereotype is not propogated he should be painted in the colour purple.

the case cannot be put better than here.

in fact, i feel that the government should summon the american ambassador and give him a dressing down. hit him over the head with a leg of kfc or force him to eat a maharaja mac. the nimitz which has just set sail should be called back and we should protest that the ship should never have docked in india in the first place as our Comrades were doing.

in fact the nuclear technology transfer treaty negotiations should be stalled unless america apologizes for this great affront.

sigh.. they're going to ban the simpsons movie in india... aren't they?

sob..

thank you.. come again!

Sania's new partner

2007-06-29T01:23:00.000+05:30

I felt it was awful that sania mirza refused to play with an israeli because of pressure from muslim extremists. apparently she also gave up her skirts for shorts after the fatwas.

well.. she's decided to team up with her friend this time.

The attitude to Aisam-ul-Haq Qureshi (pakistani tennis player) cannot be praised enough for saying that he will always play with a jew or an indian and that sports are no place for religion, race or colour.

fantastic. i salute you sania and aisam.

Maya Aunty's Assets

2007-06-28T19:50:00.000+05:30

Like many trauma patients who have seen something horrible like an Asswipe College girl .. we have to ask yourselves... why? why ..god.. did i have to be shown Maya aunty's assets..?

Or more importantly, why did she reveal her obscene wealth to us? Why only us?

Let this question no longer remain unanswered... It is clearly the fault of cable tv.

Before cable tv.. politicians knew that they had to keep their assets hidden.

They knew that we knew that they had the assets. But they knew it was simply in bad taste to reveal them.

Remember: revealing is against indian culture.

That is why many bollywood actresses say : " i will not reveal" or after they have achieved some success 'why do i need to reveal now?' and after their career flops because of that decision ' i will reveal as the role demands it..'

The values of your politicans have got so corrupted because they watch too much ftv they think they can reveal and get away with it.

This revealing business we dont like. that is why unlike christianity there is no revelation in hindu culture.

Nothing must be revealed. Now let's watch some cricket..

A twist in the pa-til

2007-06-15T16:07:00.000+05:30

Well its official.. Smita Patil is going to be the next President of India.

The former Bollywood actress and known to be a mean tea maker is to head to Rashtrapati Bhavan.

It is said that she will attempt to visit all rooms of the Rashtrapati Bhavan, a feat that has not been matched by any President since Shankar Dayal Sharma.

While i have not watched any movies of hers, sources have confirmed that her on screen chemistry with Amitabh Bacchan (known commonly as the Big 'A') endeared her to Sonia Gandhi (known as 'that foriegn origin issue') causing her nomination.

The Left who were earlier looking for a fat person to be the next President gave in due to the weighty performances she had put in during her career.

The BJP is still backing its old horse Mallika Sherawat. When asked about her dubious body suit dance on new years eve, Rajnath Singh said:

'Dont ask me. My job is to make sure Arun Jaitley doesnt get any importance.'

Maya Aunty who after much begging and pleading managed to convince the working committee of the BSP to empower her to take a decision on the matter has said she will support the Congress.

In other news the Taj Mahal has been converted into a mall.

When contacted for his reaction the perenial presidential bridesmaid, Karan Singh, quipped:

'The best man doesnt always win. Sometimes it's a woman'

No ford or food

2007-06-13T21:46:00.000+05:30

I support the move for the Board to retain a graded payment system.

There is no connection between money, endorsements and performance.

Indian cricketers are not overpaid. If anything they are underpaid. For starters they have not recieved a single paisa from the Board for the last nine months. They do not have a commensurate share in the revenue they generate.

Do you see any less intensity in the eyes of Tiger Woods or Roger Federer (Nadal's makes a pretty penny too btw) or David Beckham because they are billioniares?

David Beckham has millions of dollars coming his way in L.A. irrespective of what he does. Yet he's busting his ass to get into the England side and win the Spanish League. He slogged his ass off to make Capello eat his words.

Ganguly did the same to Chapell. Have you forgotten the champions that Dravid and Tendulkar are? Kumble maybe india's greatest bowler ever. They are in the same league as all top sportsmen in the world. And they all want to win.

You know why we take cricket personally?

because we see these men suceed through all the politics and muck. It makes us feel that we have a chance too. Then they get overwhelmed by the system. And we cant handle the truth that bad systems cannot be beaten by individual cunning, hard work or brilliance.

and it makes us mad. mad i tell you!

Payment systems have to be geared towards peformance. If a player is eligible to play after 10 years of service the Board has to compensate for his role and experience. These are basic facts.

If you think a greenhorn and a veteran should be paid the same amount just because they do the same amount of work during a match then take a look around you, communism has fucked up everywhere.

This is also why you do not give a person a job, pay them less than their predecessor and then hamstring their abilities by not allowing them to function freely. Like seriously, how on earth could you expect Ford to do his job without bringing his own support staff?

I still believe no amount of money can recompensate a cricketer for the crap they eat on daily basis just for being cricketers. I appluade Ford for realizing the world of shit that indian cricket is and deciding that fame is not worth it. Kent may be a gay place but at least he can grow his shady hairstyles in peace.

Sharad Pawar is a bad administrator. If India Today is to believed then indian agriculture is in a major crisis. Instead the Union Agriculture Minister is more worried about saving BCCI's ass when the fuck up organizing the next cricket world cup by postponing his candidature as ICC President.

Expect nothing of indian cricket until the Board is professionalized and Indians are more mature.

the art of farting

2007-05-26T20:07:00.000+05:30

Governing cricket has been hard work..

first there was cricketers revolt of 1857. Many good administrators were lost. Hung from trees. Burnt as they slept. We got over that and the Gavaskars and Amarnaths.

Then there was the Accident.

Yes. The worse thing happened. India won the world cup.

We did everything we could. I swear there was no physio. Just a fat doctor who could barely read a pulse. That stupid Viv Richards. Everthing was going according to plan till that moment. Who told him to hit that shot? And that Kapil. Why did he have to take that catch?

They won. Some administrators were happy. Money was being made. i was new those days. Just been in the administration for twenty years. Even then i knew this did not bode well. Money changes everything.

Look at football and hockey. Their administrators can do what they feel like. We cant even throw out Ganguly without a 'We the People' special. And everyone except the Bangladeshis hate him. Other sports make enough money to support the basic creature comforts of their administrators. We just had to get greedy.

See what happened.. now there are calls for 'professionalizing' the board.

Its quite a crazy plan i tell you. Apparently, people will be paid. They dont have to steal money from the board. Exactly how the system works im not sure. Something about firing executives for lack of performance. I've never heard of anything funnier than that.

Here's the best part. Then politicians cant run the game. And pray what will politicians do with their time? Run the country? Hmph. As if they dont have better things to do.

Really . Priya Ranjan. Suresh Kalmadi. K.P.S Gill. They've done wonderful jobs. No one appreciates the hard work it takes to design a system where the players get nothing and the public doesnt care. Its an art i tell you.

An art.

p.s India thrash Bangladesh. World records are created. Everything goes back to what it was.

do bulls have tits?

2007-05-16T22:28:00.000+05:30

Man.. the hindu right is behaving more and more like islamic fundamentalists..

they retaliate to a free speech debate by indulging in hate speech..

according to Undie TV .. a government sponsored exhibition in Bhopal is showing a painting which could be interpreted as stereotyping muslims as terrorists..

the last person to indulge in such behaviour.. was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad when he held a holocaust denial conference..

anyone bothered to see the hussain paintings where allegedly sita is masturbating or others where goddesses are allegedly copulating with animals?

is there something wrong with me or do i not see any sexual references in these paintings.. poor me.. i must be really sick and depraved not to see when my culture is being defamed.. oh yeah.. i forget ..im a pseudo-secularist and my main objective is to abet muslims and christains in taking apart india brick by brick because of the hypno radio waves that mosques and churches emit.. also most importantly.. do bulls have titties? (see the alleged bull parvati is humping)

sorry.. blinded by my ideology.. my bad..

here are examples of digusting art that sick painters indulge in..

Popeye and Olive Oyl humping

Donald duck masturbating

Sponge bob horny

this cancer must be wiped out or else society will fall apart!!!

furthermore.. another point raised by this website is that hussain reserves his vendetta for hinduism.. he ONLY paints hindu goddesses nude.. after all he painted hilter nude to show his contempt for the nazis and to humiliate him.. CLINCHING EVIDENCE .. HANG THE BASTARD!

um... correct me if im wrong but could it be.. could it possibly be hinduism is the ONLY religion in the world which has the sense to see that there's no indignity in nudity and to make its point .. revers it instead?

in my experience .. the only penises of gods i have see are of mahaveer (small) and shiv (gigantic/escapes expression).. if my friends in the RSS are to be believed then the jains are one of our samaj.. i have never seen jesus' private parts and have no idea what muhammed looks like so the question of seeing him in the nude does not arise.. er.. before i get fire bombed.. peace be upon him.. i mean no disrespect..

but no its a conspiracy.. a conspiracy to defame hinduism endorsed by us.. psuedo-secularists..

and maybe.. just maybe.. nudity can be different if the context is different..

for example.. like the word 'shit'..

context 1: psuedo secularists are full of shit.

context 2: man! this painter must have been on some good shit..

and my point.. . i swear i started with one..

oh yeah.. IM TOTALLY COOL WITH IT!

Go ahead.. indulge in as much hate speech as you want..

but you concede the basic point right.. you can indulge in hate paintings.. i have the right to paint whatever i want.. even hindu goddesses nude..

fair trade?

free chandra mohan!

2007-05-15T00:49:00.000+05:30

Yes.. the debate surrounding freedom of expression has got more ridiculous thanks to Baroda incident..

i would like to answer two common questions that people who object to nude paintings of hindu goddeses raise:

q: would you like it if someone painted your mother in the nude?

a: i would like to ask a question back.

what if your brother painted your mother in the nude? and what if he did so because it was a centuries old tradition in your family to honour your elders by painting them in the nude. what then? could you still object?

here's the best part. OF COURSE. this is a democracy. You can object to whatever you want.

The small part that is forgotten is that while protesting you're not supposed to beat people up or burn buses and so on. its a small thing but one i hope we can learn. and its nice if you dont get people jailed. especially hapless young painters who have no resources to defend themselves.

for my rant on offense as a marker for deciding what is good and what is bad see here..

q: you cant even draw mohammed (peace be upon him), what gives you the right to paint hindu godesses, that too nude?

yes about that.

the first thing that boggles my mind when people say this is that but correct me if im wrong, arent hinduism and islam COMPLETELY DIFFERENT RELIGIONS?

muslims aren't supposed to eat pork or drink alchohol. does that mean all hindus should give these things up too?

do we want to stay in a society where if a thing offends one religion, everyone needs to give it up?

we'll already done this for beef but think about it..

that means living in a state where all women are in veil, no bars, pubs or clubs, only vegetarian restuarants .. if jehovahs witnesses had their way their would be no hospitals ..so on and so forth..

is there a specific bar in hinduism that prohibhits nude depiction of goddeses?

no. far from it. if there was such a bar the controversy would be completely different..

it is the west that teaches us that nudity is something to be ashamed of and to potray someone as nude is disrespectful.

point is.. stop acting like good naturalized victorian brits and face facts.

hinduism sees nothing wrong with nudity. you can believe anything that the west tells you but you cant change history.

maya aunty WINS

2007-05-11T23:58:00.000+05:30

Can the best person ever win in politics?

the good news is sometimes.. YES!!!

Maya Aunty has won in Uttar Pradesh pulling a blinder. It's a victory for indian democracy and a sign that the indian voter is FINALLY beginning to mature.

The victory is immense. It is hard to encapsulate exactly what an achievement it is to be the first party in 14 years to get an outright majority in Uttar Pradesh. A place where politics over the last few years have been known to be bitter and divisive not unlike the Center where people believe that coalition politics is here to stay.

For this reason alone this victory is different from a mere anti-incumbency change of government. For example, the Punjab election makes no difference to your or my life. But this victory is HUGELY different from a lot of elections that have happened in the past few years. It is more monumental than Lalu Prasad Yadav losing in Bihar..

Why?

the victory is a victory for an ideology that draws inspiration from people like Ambedkar and Periyar. and not a narrow one like india for the oppressed but one that says it is time to move foward and reconcile differences.

Mayawati took a huge gamble by opening the party to the upper castes but it makes my heart glad.. GLAD .. i tell you that the people bought it..

my favourite part is that arjun singh has got a kick in his old nuts. make no mistake the whole reservation drama was staged with an eye on the UP elections.. despite rahul baba's best attempts the congress has lost seats in UP. the congress is saving face by saying that.. if not for rahul baba they would have been wiped out .. er.. yes.. a nice thing to say for the party which ruled the state with impunity at one time.. but at the end of the day.. no one cares two hoots about reservation in UP..and that says a lot.. this officially means that the Tams are now India's biggest Casteists..

other than that.. the BIGGEST LOSERS.. muhahahaha.. the BJP... has been told again by the people that other than Gujarat no one cares about Hindutva anymore. the ram temple could be built in timbucktoo for all people care.. but i think the BJP, RSS and VHP have just too much fun bullying people in the name of religion to give that up...

finally.. it also brings me great joy to hear Mulayam Singh bitch that he lost because of the Election Commission..

The Election Commission is a vigilante. If the Supreme Court is like Superman.. the EC is India's Batman. They have said.. fuck it.. we are going to deliver free and fair elections at any cost. Even if that means assuming powers that the Constitution in its worst nightmare couldn't have thought of.

Of course you lost because of the EC, poor baby. Because like in the past, like most government in power you couldnt rig the election. Awww ..so sad. Having problems coming to terms with democracy taking roots?? tch tch.. my heart bleeds for you mulayam. hope you made enough money for your next 100 generations to live like billionaires.. maybe they can join the Bill and Melinda Foundation and work against AIDS.

it's not like maya aunty is not corrupt or something.

but she has a well deserved mandate. i hope she doesnt let us down.

sports orgy!!

2007-05-07T02:24:00.000+05:30

you have real madrid v. seville on at the same time as well as tiger on the hunt..

what do you watch? what do you watch?

BOTH silly.. thats what ad breaks and remote controls are for..

well.. i ended up watching more football.. i keep missing tigers great golf anyways..

last night went i went to sleep he was playing placid golf coming third.. today when the broadcast FINALLY starts.. he's got a three stroke lead..

WHAT A FOOTBALL match..

Real madrid used to be my team.. since this is an anonymous forum.. i will admit it.. i like david beckham.. it think he's a good footballer.. a little gay but good.. iker casillas has always been my favourite keeper.. throw in zidane (now gone :( ) and cannavaro is my favourite defender.

anyways.. seville has got the coolest jerseys in the world.. like punk/goth.. their numbers are scrawled on as if they are some street football team.. like they dont care..its uber cool..

also for the first time in my life i saw a player not playing get a red card.. someone warming up was sent off ..away.. whatever..

BUT SEVILLE LOST!!!!!!!!!! muhahahahaha..

with chelsea not in the race anymore for the premiership, real madrid, dear people, is now the home team of this blog. two points off barca with a lot of football to be played.. will malibu beckam finally WIN something before living happily ever after in hollywood?????

tiger is tied for first place... he wins on an average 670,000 dollars everytime he tees up..

people (like a certain BCCI) should think about that when they think that sports stars who earn too much dont care about winning..

cricket and money

2007-05-06T23:32:00.000+05:30

Ok.. has anyone seen the BCCI's new policy on its payment of the players..

exactly what has the BCCI done that allows them to sit on Rs. 5,000 crores.. and pay our top players who made Rs. 1 crore a year.. Rs. 5 lakhs.. humiliating people like Sachin Tendulkar by paying them as much as people debuting..

one bad cricket tournament does not justify the humiliation and vent of jealousy that cricketers have been subjected to. Its sick. its insane.

players have not been paid for the last seven months.. think about that.. they make no money from playing cricket..

This is typical indian politics.. get sharad pawar in.. this is what you get.. people who have no idea about what they are doing excepting for the fact that they must preserve their percieved power... only sowing the seeds of their own destruction..

I think no amount of money is worth the roller coaster ride being a national team cricketer is subjet to. there are easier ways of making so much money.

er.. if you know them..please let me know..

kudos to the indian media

2007-05-06T23:12:00.000+05:30

ok pluto makes an excellent point in his comment on my stupid rant..

for starters.. i wrote that when i was extremely depressed..

But the question remains.. there is no dount vanzara would have acted the way he did without a political backing or at the minimum, sheild... what do we do about the actual culprits.. the elected representatives.. the people with power who perpetuate the systems..

Now that im feeling slightly better.. i think there is hope..

my favourite part about the soharbuddin murder.. is the nephew of prajapati..

this guy .. he goes to visit his uncle, prajapati who is in police custody.. suddenly the police realize that they need to cover their tracks.. what if prajapati said something about the murder to his nephew..

THEY PLANT HEROIN ON HIM and he's randomnly lying in jail writing letters to his family not to come near the jail otherwise they are going to be guests of the state government as well!!

Now again.. this is not an isolating incident.. in this case because the victims were kind enough to have their pictures taken in front of the taj smiling beningly has caught the imagination of the media.

The Olde India has not come to terms with the power of the 4th estate yet.

Whether it is the magistrate in the periera case, the BCCI, the Gujarat or West Bengal government.. they cannot bludgeon law and india in a remote part of india and walk away whistling, hands in pocket as if nothing happened..

There is hungry beast called the indian tv media circus that is watching them.. there is a limit to how much news the local two newspapers could deliver.. now you have over 40 news channels (all languages) bombarding us with everything they can find..including their awful humour and style.. .. having to fill 24 hours of airtime.. they will go to all corners of india for news...and you dont need to be literate to watch tv

I enjoy it when i see democratic insitutions take root and fox the old order..

the supreme court (however opaque) and the media (however crap) are playing a steller role in at least spreading democracy.

Kudos amigoes..

Stupid rant..

2007-05-03T23:34:00.000+05:30

there are two primary news items that have been in focus over the last few days...

the first being the fake encouter death by Red Beard Vanzara and the second, the goltu immigration scandal.

Vanzara a man that would warm George Bush and Dick Cheney's hearts. This is a man who kills terrorists. Human rights and legal procedure be damned. The BJP would like us to believe that is all that matters.

Yes, Sorabuddin was a terrible man. He was an extortionist wanted in at least three states. But does that mean he gets pulled of a bus and shot?

Ok. i would just like to say one thing. people think that sorabuddin's wife was burned to death. I think that's highly unlikely. It is more likely that the dead body of the woman was burned to destroy evidence of her murder and possible rape.

it's a henious crime but some perspective is required.

This is going to get very ugly.

Already cases are popping up like mushrooms concerning the number of fake encounters this man has committed. What if it is found out that he killed five, ten, twenty innocent people? Wouldnt he then deserve the death penalty?

what would the BJP do then.. it would say that if Afzal Guru is not executed, then neither can Vanzara...

Comparing the kashmiri militancy to state sponsored terrorism is a bit bizarre. But hey! this is india.

I find it funny that Hussain was hounded of the country for painting mother india in the nude. A true depiction of mother india would be a woman being gangraped by politicans and bureaucrats.

In that regard, i find the hulabaloo over the immigration scandal a bit weird.

illegal immigration at the end of the day is a victimless crime. You have mla's doing much worse..whats the big deal?

It is a big deal.

They have diplomatic passports. They enjoy privileges because they are the elected representatives of the people. And they abuse the privileges because airport authorities do not dare question them.

Thinking that this is not a big deal is the worse display of cyncism. Only i have the right to do that.

Bitch of a world cup

2007-04-29T20:19:00.000+05:30

This world cup kicked me in the nuts and broke my heart.

Yes, it was a bitch.

The nut kicking was india's exclusion in the first round. sri lankas loss was nothing short of heart breaking..

To be gay... Oh! the injustice of the loss..

When australia bat they get glorious sunshine and paradise batting conditions. sri lanka has to deal with a cloud blanket.. the ball starts swinging..the m****r f***ing LTTE starts a bombing raid so that back home colombo is blanked out.. their rythm is constantly interrupted and the final oers are played in near darkness. (in sri lanka and the west indies)

man.. the spirited reply of the sri lankans was awesome. there is not one iota of shame in the loss. from the first ball four to sanath and sangakara's heroics. they showed some serious spirit.

for the first time in three world cups there was a serious challenge to australia.

full marks to adam gilchrist. he was the difference between the sides. but australia really were more lucky than outright winners.

my salute to the sri lankans, the home boys of this blog. hold your heads high.

If the LTTE wants to do something for sri lankan tamils... they should kidnap the match referee. while they are at it they should get mike denness and daryl hair as well.

p.s cheering narayan karthikeyan on A1 racing.. 4th place so far.. its so much fun to support an indian in an international sporting e*ent.. sighhh...

Cricket final

2007-04-28T01:10:00.000+05:30

Well.. the southpark half-season is over.. there is nothing more to look foward to in life anymore..

oh.. other than the cricket final tomorrow.. i have a bad feeling sri lanka is going to auto destruct.. im getting nervous because so many people think sri lanka might win.. i think majorities are usually wrong.

Today i saw one of the most brilliant pieces of public speaking by Kapil Sibal in the Rajya Sabha. For one moment i thought parliament was actually doing some work. Then i noticed the house was empty excepting for the dedicated few who bothered to turn up because no fighting was to take place. And it is the Rajya Sabha which is actually an old home masquarading as a legistlative organ.

There was an articulate sedate debate taking place. People asked questions. Even if they were stupid ones. At least they werent trying to beat each other up..

Maybe there will come a time when debates on laws actually take place in parliament. Maybe.

The internet rocks!

2007-04-25T22:29:00.000+05:30

Wow! Someone other than me reads my blog..

This accompanying sketch sadly looks nothing like him

and the only person other than Arjun Singh and PRDM who i really torched!!

THE INTERNET ROCKS!!

Tuffloo.. i still maintain you're a smart kid. Waaay smarter than a lot of people from Asswipe College who I may add are sitting in Harvard. I also added that you will make a better sports agent than other because you have a law degree. But your interview sucked.. sorry!

"endorsements are premised on a perfect meritocracy"- apart from the farty, pompous prose explain to me why Kumble or Viswanathan Anand didnt get too many ads, Bhaichung Bhutia does ads only for Calcutta based companies, why Sreesanth does adds for kerala based companies and why .. IMG handles models in India rather than sports stars (think Anna Kournikova and Dhoni's hair.. yes i know he's managed by Game Plan).. a road Globosport seems to be going down too.. no.. my friend.. as Andre Agassi said in his epic ad:

"IMAGE IS EVERYTHING!"

Anyone can sell a champion.. you of all people should know that the art of the sports management is to sell someone who isnt winning.. (additionally.. thats the only way you're going to sell indian sports stars ..(cheap shot!))

Look.. i dont have any problems with india's youngest sports management and entertainment lawyer.. it's just that i felt that the interview was couched in pompous language which i think Asswipe students are culturally inclined to do to make themselves sound..more intelligent than they think they are..

Additionally, i never said i dont bull shit. I do it waaay more than good for any self respecting bull. However, old habits die hard. Best of luck and dont die of diarrhea.

Phew!

Also.. let's hear it for the home boys of this blog.. yes.. the Sri Lankan team. The discerning public will know that we have been supporting the efforts of the Islanders and had touted them as winners.

And here they are.. at the world cup final!

Prediction: Australia has the edge. Currently, they are playing cricket on a different level. I doubt if the sedate, gritty run a ball cricket that Sri Lanka are playing will be enough to get them. But i fully backed the tactic to rest Vaas and Murali in the super 8. Only the final is going to determine if the gamble paid off!

But still I'm with Mahila and his boys. Go Sri Lanka!!!

Hockey sticks

2007-04-21T22:00:00.000+05:30

Since their is nothing else to talk about.. i think i should educate the general public on hockey sticks..

Hockey sticks are a much vilified commodity.

There was a time where a man with a hockey stick carried on his shoulders the hopes and dreams of an entire nation. It's hard to imagine a sport which India used to dominate but history tells us there was a point in time where an indian felt undefeatable, invincible and supreme (basically like australians do today) because he could weild a hockey stick. Imagine and this is no fiction..we actually won olympic gold medals at a sport!

Then came the dramatic decline. And a hockey stick went from being the implement of an artist to the weapon of a goon. Worse than that, the weapon of a hindi movie goon

Sigh...

My first hockey stick was a second hand junior stick. There was tape over the label. I was chosen for the class team because i was the only boy whose mother was mad enough to go running and buy him a hockey stick in one hour. So i made the team.

I hoped and prayed that the hockey stick would have been a vampire. It wasnt. It was some shady brand.

Then in Class eleven i made the school team. I bought myself a Rakshak. Nice heavy stick. Good for a defender.

Then in university, corresponding to my promotion to a midfielder, i decided to go to the next level and i bought myself a Tiranga (i LOVE the concept of having a sports brand named after the national flag..it gives me goose pimples). It was an awesome stick..one ive scored tonnes of goals with. Then some bastard broke it.

Finally after two years, since ive signed up for division two hockey (club level) i decided to go get over the breaking of my love and get a new stick.

I didnt bother to check the brand. I just checked for what is known as 'feel'. The best way to choose a sports instrument. I bought the stick i liked the best..

Yup..it's a vampire! made by BAS.. the makers of Tendulkars' bats..

it's orgasmic.. a thing of beauty.. and ill tell you what..

we may suck at hockey.. but carrying that stick around still gives you a sense of power.

Something beautiful destroyed

2007-04-18T15:15:00.000+05:30

Yesterday i couldnt find words to describe the horrific shootings at Virginia Tech...

Today with the dust settled and more found out about the shooter, i can try to begin to make some sense of it.

Living in India you tend to grow numb about unfair death. Each day you read of terrorist strikes, maoists, insane road accident figures, people lynched, children falling into manholes, over-crowded ferries yada yada.

Let's admit it. Life is cheap in the third world.

It's a stupid thing to say but when award winning professors are shot dead and the brighest minds are killed it is i think its more of a horrible horrible tragedy. Yes, all human life is valuable. But this was the most valuable we, not just american society, but the world had.

As, K puts it, the Americans are perhaps the greatest and dumbest people on earth:

AMERICAN GREATNESS
The one thing all governments on earth should learn from americans is how to create and run universities. You cannot attain a position of global leadership without having respect for academics. American campuses are beautiful places internationally renowned for the quality of education. They pay their professors well and respect them. And they are truly international. Academics and students from all around the world flock to the american university system. The symbolise the best values that humanity believes in.

AMERICAN STUPIDITY
Please see this view on the right to bear arms. I see no difference between this and Islamic fundamentalism. It's a simple repudiation of modernity.

Guns laws in america are what reservation is like in India. Politicans are aware of the immense damage they are doing to society but cannot afford to oppose it for political convenience.

The founding fathers of america we stauchly pro-local governance and individualist. They believed that if every man, woman and child in america was trained in the art of using and keeping guns the country would be a safer place.

According to them, everyone should be armed. So when the man gunmen burst into a classroom, the classroom would whip out their guns and unleash a torrent of gunfire on him.

Like seriously? do you actually want to live in a society where arguments are going to decided on the basis of duels? Like Chandigarh?

After the Democrats were out in the cold for 12 years after passing gun control laws, it has become taboo to discuss it. Democrats now go out of their way to show they are shooting enthusiasts!

God save america!

ON CHO SEUNG HUI

Read his disturbing plays. Frankly, despite the obvious pleas for help, I quite enjoyed the second one.

There are a couple of elements that are very clear about him:
1. frustration at poverty
2. possible sexual abuse
3. his references make him sound like a very intelligent person.
4. He loves violence
5. And lets admit it, being asian, he must have copped some serious shit when he was young.

I wonder what this is going to do for the asian stereotype of good at maths and the violin. I think people should realize that asians are not mild smiley people. They are in fact as much if not more militaristic and as violent as any other human race. Do not forget that other that the anglo-saxon-caucasion (or whatever the white tribe is know as) it was Japan was a major power during the world wars. Today the second biggest army in the world in owned by China. The Koreas are in as tense a situation as India-Pakistan. People picking on asians should remember that.

Seeing a few of my frustrated gamer friends losing their ability to distinguish between reality and the virtual world i initially thought this kid had flipped out a la Leanardo Di Caprio in the Beach and thought he was in a video game. Now, its pretty apart that he's a pyscho who was allowed by the State to arm himself and go beserk.

As a very intelligent person myself (coff coff) i will tell you that if you truly and dispassionately try and analyze the human condition you will first of all, feel very very angry and secondly, possibly want to commit suicide overwhelmed by frustration. We must recognize that the edge Cho went off is very near for a lot of us.

This is the reason why guns must never be easily accesible to people. People must use modern technology to blow off steam. Like write crappy anonymous blogs.

We must fight for beautiful things.

Americans must fight for their right not to be shot by maniacs. I offer them my heart felt condolences and wish them best of luck.

Protest Nation

2007-04-16T19:10:00.000+05:30

I was watching the news today please note the first four stories:

1. Star News office smashed as a protest by some redneck Hindu organisation for running a story about a Hindu girl wanting a marry a Muslim boy.
Too sick to deserve comment.

2. Shilpa Shetty's shoot disrupted by protesting Shiv Sena activists for being kissed by Richard Gere at an AIDS awareness event.
To stupid to deserve comment. But i must mention that had earlier lamented the lack of people defending themselves. I didnt think someone like Shilpa Shetty would do it. Full power to you ma'am.

3. Protests by the BJP and in Pakistan on the remarks of Rahul Gandhi on his families role in shaping the subcontinent.
One. It's evil to say India broke up Pakistan (though true). I think it's just smarter to say we liberated Bangladesh. Two. It's stupid to write off India's role so Pakistan can just shut up. Three. There is a belief within the Congress that they have some special legitimicy to rule India because it's role in the freedom movement. Are we supposed to vote for them irrespective of their performance because of that? However, i no way endorse the articulation of BJP's opposition to this view. It's just hackcyned and stupid.

5. Protests that Zaheer Khan and Sachin Tendulkar should return home instead of playing.
What? They cant play domestic cricket either? Retarded.

6. Protests in Bihar for the kidnapping of a kid.
Totally valid.

I protest the fact that only one protest in this country is valid.

of armpits,assholes and penises

2007-04-16T11:51:00.000+05:30

It was a sad day yesterday.

Despite the fact that East Bengal was leading 1-0 it lost 2-1 to those prawn eating buggers, Mohan Bagan.

I'm done showing off that i follow inconsequential sports events due to misplaced patriotism in the same spirit we used to watch the Miss Universe Paegant years ago. Yay! An indian competing at an international event! Woo hoo! Another girls' bollywood career is made!

Well since i have nothing else to do but stay awake i should enlighten the non-existent readers of this blog on my views on certain places.

1. Bangladesh: Armpit of the universe.

As an ethnic Bangladeshi, i fucking hate the place. I have never been there and i never ever plan to go there. It's a damp, stinky place that regularly gets flooded, does not appreciate the seperation of mosque and state and certainly does not have one bone of gratitute in its body.

In all fairness, my anger with Bangladesh is directed towards my fellow 'Indians' of east bengal origin. Some of them turned moony eyed at the mention of the place. Bloody ingrates. Everything i am today is the fault of India. If they ..hmm.. i never thought of this but maybe ingratitute is our genetic trait.

I cannot believe that Bangladeshi's are hostile to india even after we saved their asses from brutal repression at the hands of pakistan (which UNBELIEVABLY for some mindblowingly weird reason, if reports on the criticism of Rahul Gandhi's comments on the war are to be believed, India's officially denies!!). I mean even the French with all their derision of the Americans still thank them for saving them from the Nazis. That's basic decency.

And finally of course they kicked us out of the world cup which was not theirs but Greg Chapells fault (my explanation of this). But still.

However, i am most interested in Bangladesh's political experiment with benevolent dictatorship. I really am impressed with the efforts of the technocrats at cleaning up corruption. They're going about it in a very good way from media reports. I sincerly wish these people the best of luck if they're efforts are truly genuine. If it works, Bangladesh will kick India's ass at poverty reduction in the next 20 years. They're already better than us in cricket (cheap shot). Which will make me really pissed off.

Finally, it goes against everything i believe in but i allow myself a little xenophobia and support East Bengal ( i cant believe those bastards blew their lead)

2. Kerala: Asshole of the universe.

If there is anyone more obnoxious and ungrateful than Indians of east bengal origin it is Malayalis. Half of them are sitting in the gulf yet most of us are subjected to lectures on how kerala is god's own country. God doesnt believe in employment and job creation or something? Im also tired of hearing about how bus conductors in trivandrum have Phds. Great man! more power to them. Maybe they can come up with a better way of showing people to their seats (which in my experience they do most rudely if you cant speak Malayalam).

Of course, my main grouse with them is the fact they spawned and venerate the creator of Asswipe College. Also, the Madman from the World Bank who turned the place into a concentration camp was one of them. But that's not their fault. No community can be blamed for his actions.

Good thing about kerala: beef is legal. awesome food. the best pizza i have had was on kovalam beach.

3. Chandigarh: Penis of the universe.

Chandigaris also share this sick pride of their place of origins' superiority to other places. Apparently, just because it was a planned city designed by a french guy, fought over by the Union as well as the States of Haryana and Punjab, has wide roads, a rose garden, a museum of artefacts constructed of discarded toilets and an artifical lake, its inhabitants are superior to all people of earth.

Pant-chor, they will tell you, your city is crap. And why isnt the Dj playing punjabi music yaar? In my opinion, they have one-eyed vision and can usually just think about sex.

So Chandigarh in my opinion is the penis of the universe.

For the record i am against sweeping generalizations of people. But people are stupid.

And that's all i have to say about that.

Please don't flag my blog for objectionable content. I am new to this and just learning. Who am i kidding? no one reads this blog anyways.

Sports management and Corruption

2007-04-15T22:23:00.000+05:30

And today.. a rant on sports management inspired by a mind numbingly cock interview from a member of my alumnus..

This boy was known as Tuffloo in college.. he is now apparently... "India's youngest professional sports and entertainment lawyer".. killer stuff!

Asswipe College (renamed from so as not to offend true concentration camp survivors, their families and general hyper people).. trains its inmates in the art of bullshit very well. See my earlier blog on this.

However, to be entirely fair, he's a smart kid who loved sports and shah rukh khan. And because he's a lawyer he'll be a lot better than a lot of sports agents you'll find in India.

On the topic of sports management, it is time to air my views on corruption in India.

Now, corruption according to me is the main reason why we are crap in sports.

It is a pretty well established fact that especially in teams like the Delhi Ranji and junior teams, it is political influence and money that gets you selected. And cricket is supposedly the best administrated sport. I have heard that tribals and dalits have been turned away at hockey selections because they are of lower birth and therefore, obviously not good enough to play sports. You have fat coaches and administrators trying to squeeze whatever money they can out of the system. The players, of course, get nothing.

In short, sports administrators are as bad if not worse than income tax officials and cops.

If you see Lord of War, you will notice this part on how chopping limbs as punishment which is rampant is some parts of Africa was learnt from the Europeans.

It is my theory, based on no evidence whatsoever excepting for one irrelevant example that corruption in India became endemic because of the British.

I will also circumvent the editorial policy of short blogging to make this point. (As an irrelevant aside, here is my blog entry where i randomnly invented this policy)

I had occassion to witness the inner workings of one of Kolkata's and India's premier clubs. A place where the who's who of society come to shed their hair (they're old and farty).

I was horrified to learn that office bearers have harpic, soap and toilet paper bought for the club loos delivered to their homes for their private use. One member collects the club newspapers and sells it for raddi money. Another carried away the Colin provided to cleanse the cycles/treadmills of sweat after you're done as a courtesy to fellow members. Of course, contracts for buying golf course maintenance equipment are not awarded without the mandatory kickbacks. They were thinking about buying a four lakh bunker raking machine (which is used on courses which have bunkers over 100 yards long) and as no bunker on the club course is more than 5-10 yards a small stink arose. You can pay a guy 1500 bucks a month to do it and create a job.

Many of these people are serving or have retired as CEO or very senior management from some of India's top companies. This is not a government office.

For a long time, this club was administrated by a Britisher. Till as late as the 90's.

Under this Britisher, rules were rules and he kept the record books clean. He himself took kickbacks (the most famous being that British Airways was allowed a huge hoarding not only if they paid the advertising fees but also gave the man complimentary tickets for trips home) but nobody else dared do it.

After he left and Indians took over. All hell broke loose. Every guy who got power wanted his own. This was when the abovementioned toilet supplies started getting stolen.

I firmly believe that this story can be translated to the whole of India.

India has been plundered for centuries by people like Gazni and Co. But no one did it as systematically as the British. Lord Clive, first of the nabobs said he was suprised by his modesty at taking what he was offered. He carried away millions. We have been trained in the art of corruption. Everyone is out to get their own.

India is plundered ruthlessly, only today by its own people and elected representatives. The latest to join the bandwagon:

My place or yours, Sepp?

Yep. My favourite person .. PRDM and Co. For my extremely boring rant on him, see here.

Apparently, AIFF has spent over Rs. 50 lakhs on amongst other things, hiring mercs for Sepp Blatters contingent and ..and.. this one blows me away.. suits worth Rs. 10,000 a piece for each indian official attending the meeting... Has anyone seen the crap jerseys footballers play in?

The logic here is simple. It's a small investment.

Here they were.. kicking themselves for being football administrators when they could have been living the good life leaking stories to the press from five star suites serving on cricket boards.. and then.. in a flash of smoke and holy music arrived the President of FIFA.. a man who could send millions of dollars their way... we're going to be rich, they said, richer than our wildest dreams!

My only hope is that morons do not get to be President of FIFA and have their terms extended for doing a good job. From watching Sepp Blatters interview on zee sports (ugh) i got the view he's here to see how football can be self-sustaining rather than pumping millions down the pipe full of holes that is Indian football.

Curses! the AIFF is going to say.. foiled again!! Well, at least we got some nice suits!

Terrorism stinks

2007-04-15T01:59:00.000+05:30

I was on the metro rail the other day to buy a hockey stick. I stepped out onto the platform at Esplanade and there i smelled something. A familiar smell which i couldnt place until the source of the smell arrived.

It was a sniffer dog. A smelly one at that.

First i was like, oh, how cute.. a dog on the Underground.. then i was like.. wait a minute.. its leashed to a policeman with a very large flashlight.. which can only mean...

FUCK DUDE! Bomb disposal squad!!!

In many ways i laugh at americans and europeans whining about the loss of their rights due to body checks, shoe removals , extended boarding times and a dumb President. We have been vitcims of terrorism for such a long time that it is burnt into the indian pysche to expect such intrusion from the state our own protection. So what if a cop gives you attitude while patting you down. Bad behavior and breath be tolerated if it keeps our bodies and souls together.

So when for a brief second i felt really scared i remembered that im not supposed to be afraid. I could easily be run over by a speeding bus if i escaped this. My ceiling fan may fall on me. I may choke on a carrot and die.

You can never prepare for a terrorist attack. To attempt to order your affairs in such a way so that you can avoid a terrorist attack is perhaps only less loony an idea than blowing people up to make a point. A stupid point at that.

All the same i exit, stage left, FAST. Outside i found preparations on for a Mamata Banerjee speech.

Sometimes i really believe we live in a democracy. For the Red Undies to make sure shes not blown up instead of doing it themselves is a telling thing. Maybe theyre just keeping her alive so that somebody competant doesnt take her place as Leader of the Opposition.

But the real story here is about the smelly sniffer dog. Think about that for a moment.

Narayan Murthy and the strange case of the national anthem

2007-04-11T23:57:00.000+05:30

A lot of tenets of a modern democracy are weirdly misunderstood in India.

I think at the root of this is are the freedom of expression and secularism.

We'll skip the rant on secularism today.

Today is a day for a rant on the freedom of expression.

Now, in India we are told that you can exercise freedom of expression as long as you dont offend anyone's sensibilities, religious, patriotic etc etc.

Choosing 'offence' as the boundary mark to limit freedom of expression is just ..just weird.

Freedom of expression is a guaranteed fundamental right to an Indian. Did the framers of our Constitution expressly go out of their way to prohibhit the State from interferring in the right of people to be NICE to each other??

It fundamental right should then read as follows:

19 (1) (a) 'freedom of politeness' - All Indians shall have the fundamental right to bow courteously, kiss ass and exchange pleasantries/nutritious recipies.

I would submit pompously and arrogantly, that the fact that they chose freedom of expression, meant that they felt one should say what they want despite the fact that some people feel offended or religious sentiments are hurt.

Yes, yes.. what about hate speech, slander etc. But i agree with my Gods. Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Either it's all ok or none of it is. As long as you are not inciting people to violence (a la a certain BJP CD) or spreading lies (a certain BJP CD) i think you're good to go in the expression deparment.

In the light of the above mentioned rant i would like to mention my disgust at people who get bullied into apologising for their views. Stand up for what you believe or freedom of expression will not be left alive in this country. This is why i am anonymously airing my views on controversial stuff. :)

Having lived in Bangalore for six unfortunate years, I feel the Kannadiga people are amongst the worst led people in the country apart from other Indians. Their leaders continously distract them with things like language, and pride while they live without water, electricity and with really really bad roads.

Sorry.. now can i go back to not spending my money??

Today Narayan Murthy has been branded a traitor for his (erroneous) view that playing the tune of the national anthem instead of the song would be less embarassing for his foriegn dignataries. He also had been sniped at for criticising the stand of the government when it came to the Cauvery Water dispute. He had to justify himself to the press saying that INFOSYS had participated in the bandhs instead of deploring the indian habit of stopping work at any possible excuse.

Sachin Tendulkar has been hauled up for cutting a cake with the Indian flag as icing (organised by.. yes.. the Indian High Commission). Imagine Sachin squeaking:

Aila.. i will not cut that cake.. it is illegal for me to do so..

He's a cricket player for gods sake. He's given an award or an endorsment (cheap shot) he takes it. A cake is placed before him, he cuts. and so on.

I want to cut my cake and have it too...

Finally, one final observation on home, West Bengal.

Last week, due to Nandiwala Bagh, the Students Federation of India (SFI), the student body of the CPI(M) in JU was swept out of office replaced by unaffiliated student bodies in each deparment of the university for the first time this millenia. The night after the results were declared some destruction of property took place in the union rooms especially in the worker's staff room (affiliated to the Left).

Now instead of demanding that a discplinary inquiry be conducted.. the SFI and the worker's union demanded that the college be shut down. The workers refused to open the classrooms and have gone on an indefinite strike.

In an awesome show of much needed bravery, students and professors defied this bandh and classes were held in professors' chambers.

Now beat this. The Governor has come out in support of the indefinite strike. He says their legitimate interests needs to be looked into. So someone set fire to a room.. does that mean an entire University has to suspend exams and classes?

Will this be the next hairstyle in vogue at the Raj Bhavan?

I mean.. what is he .. MAaaaD!!!!!! Nuts!!!!!!!!! Bananas!!!!!! You have an entire state laid ruins because of this attitude of 'hey! why are we working when we can protest!' and he says.. legitimate interests have to protected. What legitimate interests.. did they keep all their underwear in that room or something..

I know he has aspirations to the Indian Presidency but woah!

I had some respect for him when he refused to grace the centenary of Calcutta's most british club because they didn't allow female members. But now i think he's a cuckoo.

and that's what i have to say about that..

we live in a weird country

2007-04-07T00:40:00.000+05:30

Well i got what i deserved..with my rant on reservation and shit using an Indian sportsman to make my point.

Jeeves shot a +3 today. He played better than Tiger Woods but Tiger Woods played like crap. +4.

But the essential thing is that Jeeves might still make the cut.

The thing about Indians is that you should never bet on them. Unless it is predicted they are going to lose. On the off chance they win you will be very rich.

i think too much was made of his start. we were dreaming he may win or something. And it seems the pressure got to him. hmm..

im still not buying into the indians choker tag. i mean vijai singh is in the top 5. He might not look it but he's Fijian of indian origin. A proven champion and doing the best amongst the big boys club.

Enough obscure golf.

Apparently all witnesses in the Prof. Sabherwal case, each and everyone of them has turned hostile. The Supreme Court is going to have field day climbing all over them swinging their danda. Especially the cops who suffered sudden amnesia. Suspension orders coming your way boys. The judge who refused to mark them as hostile too should watch it. Do you know lower court judges get report cards from High Court judges? This one's gonna get some badass grades.

You know i hate indian news channels. Especially what K calls Undie TV's Chupa Rustam. I mean a gag show on a news channel is a bit much. But there are days like this when it's all worth while. Without them Manu Sharma would be scot free and Vikas Yadav would be an MLA (the SC denied him bail when he sought it to fight the elections).

We live in a weird country and of course, you are at the centre of the weird side..

Jeev Milkha Singh and reservation

2007-04-06T14:09:00.000+05:30

Jeeves old chap managed an even par round and is tied for tenth place. brilliant when you think that a certain tiger woods is currently at tied 15 with a 1+.

Think about that- beating tiger woods by one stroke at augusta national - a course that is the equivalent of st.andrews for an american. A club so exclusive that membership is only by invitation and patronised by people such as Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Jack Welch. Good stuff even if that is round one and three more rounds are to be plaid.

In other news yesterday was reservation day. Muslims have been denied reservation which legal experts are calling weird given a Supreme Court judgement on the point According to the logic exployed by the SC, if you are not a majority, you are a minority. Simple. Yet, in my opinion, extremely stupid. Tamil Nadu has announced reservations for muslims and christains but within the 62% reservation. Yes, in Tamil Nadu 62% of the seats are reserved.

Being an anonymous area where i can say what the fuck i want without needing to be politically correct- if there are a more casteist bunch of mother fuckers than the upwallahs, its the tams.

at some point in life you must realise that the only person holding you back is you, yourself. Look at Jeev Milkha Singh. He has a golf swing that would embarass a club pro. Yet he has the balls to turn up at beat americans who fly up in their private jets for this event with computers that monitor their farts while swinging.

Resources can take you only that far. after that, its what inside that counts.

Too bad the Indian politician refuses to let the public know this. The result is that we have a mindset that leads us to believe that the state of our lives is always someone else's fault and there's nothing we can do about it. Rapes happen because of western culture and decadence (eleven year olds having sex in front of their class? yikes! another blow for liberalism). hindu girls runaway with muslim boys (one of the 'evils' of the muslims the controversial BJP CD complains about) because muslims are a bad influence.

Go Jeev go!

the indian choker

2007-04-05T12:43:00.000+05:30

What a kick ass match!

To rip on the stereotypical indian choker, England paid the price for colonizing a crap ass sporting country like India. If they were like France they could have got Zinedi Zidane or someone bald like that. Instead they got a fat sardar whose fielding conceded at least 8 runs (they lost by two runs) and got a batsman of Indian origin at the crease when they needed four runs off the last ball. Needless to say the man rose to the occasion and was cleaned bowled.

The choker tag is just that - a stereotype.

You didnt see Vishwanathan Anand choke in his crucial games even though he was nearly deprived of the No.1 Rank by FIDE. Leander is playing really well off late. Have you seen that man save match points? And on a subject really close to my heart, the Masters kicks off at sigh.. Augusta.

And yes, this year unlike most premium international events having for the first time in our HISTORY, a golfer in the world top 50 rankings, there is going to be an Indian representative. Jeev Milkha Singh take a fucking bow. You better make that cut.

I would write a lengthy piece of jeev milkha singh's swing, short game abilities and new mental approach then getting into a political issue and concluding with a ramble about Auschwitz college but there is a new editorial policy in place.

Only short pieces from now on.

A good day

2007-04-05T00:43:00.000+05:30

I think whatever was in charge of the world today suddenly decided to wake up and do some work..

The british sailors were 'pardoned' by the President that too wearing smart suits.

I'm sorry for threating to jail or execute you over the last few days, here's a handshake and this nice suit.

Thank you, Mr. President. I'm British. I like to carry away things from foriegn lands I accidentally stray into.

Sorry.. cheap shot..

Then, Nanci Pelosi defied the Manicured Plant to extended a hand of friendship to the Syrians. They Syrians welcomed her with warm words as an example to american women as a statesmanwomen. Bet Oprah is going to give her a call.

The Potted Plant (Jnr), called Clinton a pussy for talking to North Korea. And then resorted to his tactics after Komrade Kim set of a few nuclear bombs because he was not being paid enough attention too. Then he calmed down and agreed to disband the programme if they gave him some rice. He likes dumplings and they are not the same without good rice. Clinton clarified that he was not a pussy. He just liked it a lot. But he did not sleep with that woman. And that one. And that one. Yup .. that one too. And that one.

Sorry.. cheaper shot..

And Greg Chappell RESIGNED!!! That group of bhangra dancers who made him dance like a fool when he was appointed as training to be Team India coach, should accompany him to his seat on the plane home.

You know, i cannot express how dangerous a man like Greg Chapell is. Men like him turn the mad clockwork orange experiments of social scientists into concentration camps. That's what happened in Auschwitz. Both the german and my college.

The talk of Indian players of feeling a sense of nameless dread. A sense of irrational persecution about who will go next. That really resonated within me.

In my experience, the only thing worse than an Ad hoc system is a ruthless system which follows a flawed understanding of performance. For example, just pissing off the Boss can get you fired or failed. Like McCarthism.. where you think (correctly) than communists should be jailed. But for being obnoxious.

Before Auschwitz College, was a mildly dangerous place for its inhabitants. Then our Greg came. From a world lending organisation and ex-Harvard. Woo hoo!

He took away the Sports field and tried to put a stop to all cultural events. In five years the college went from dominating local fests to not partipating in them. Two suicides within two years and a culture where suicide attempts was in a macabre way part of the local culture.

It's sad because the girls who died didnt die because of direct academic pressure. They were outstanding students. In my opinion, mostly very weird people with stupid reasons would pretent to commit suicide in lame ways to call attention to themselves.

It came as a bit of a shock i guess when someone suddenly suceeded.

In fairness to Director Greg all this happened after he left. But i will always blame him for instituting the culture where the only escape seems like suicide. I know. I've felt it myself.

A lot of people felt it. We talked about it. We joked that the people who went on to try it were real losers. If we, closest to spending another year with the attendant humiliation of being a re-registered student, the ones who constantly felt that the walls were trying to close onto us didnt crack, then doing it over a fucked up chick was just lame.

Yeah .. people mostly did it for failed relationships. What do you expect when you have no other outlet than studying like law, that too badly taught..

Anways.. in other good news.. the Supreme Court of America has kicked the Hedge in the nuts over pollution policy. Obama has tapped HilDog on the shoulder and said politely and softly 'fuck you bitch. Who's your daddy?' by raising 25 million dollars by snapping his fingers.

The playing money at the table for the Presidential election is going to cost a billion dollars a head. And remember, the one who spends the most wins.

The Republicans arent lookin too bad either padners though nobody gives them a chance. It's gonna be real interesting.

And finally, I'm back into the world cup even though India's initial exit made me sick to the stomach. I guess im used to watching stuff like the football world cup and the olympics where you dont even expect to see an Indian even in the audience.

First, I'm watching it on DD.

Second, I'm supporting the Sri Lankans. I like Sri Lankans. They were the bright spots in Auschwitz. Do you know the Indian government makes them take regular HIV+ testing? The guys are cool and friendly. You'll be suprised but the women can easily be animal rights activists. Only they're no way close to being that irritating. And they chose the right coach.

They are the dark horses if you'll pardon the racist joke.

It's between South Africa, New Zealand and Australia mates.

The Sri Lankan batting aint lookin too good but right now with England at 137/6 they're bowling is kicking some serious ass.

Yup. It's been a good day.

Of Iran and Auschwitz...

2007-04-01T01:00:00.000+05:30

Iran no doubt is a weird place.

My first experience with Iran was actually an international incident known as the "iranian bastard" incident.

For some inexpicable reason an Iranian came to do an LLM at our college. (At one point the entire Supreme Court of Eirtrea was in college doing an LLM but more on that at a later date when there are less things to write about) In all fairness, he was a decently good looking chap and that about sums up his virtues.

Now, i know this isnt really relevant, but it was said in college that LLM's rank lower than earthworms in the pecking order. At the worst instance of racist beviour, doing an LLM was a very degrading thing in this collge.

My college, let us called it, Aushwitz. I know this to belittle the Holocaust (which the Iranians say might not have happened after all) but i too have a right to define my suffering. And except for the fact that my advances to a half-jewish girl failed miserably, i am not anti-semitic.

Aushwitz was modelled along the lines of a traditional boarding school. Which is fine as a standard as far for Victorian english boys, but it poses more of a problem when it inters the age group 18-25 and for a lot of very unfortunate people way beyond that age.

So we had competitive inter-batch rivally. There was competition for toothpaste tubes on this camp. So other avenues saw considerable, to use a gay word, fracas. One of this avenues was sport and in this particular case, football. As a reluctant goodwill measure, we invited an LLM team.

Now while the first years were usually thrashed (our batch in particular were made to worship a sledgehammer by a very large and ugly looking drunk senior before our first match) by at least ten goals. Against the LLMs it was hard to count. There was a rough estimate. Defenders and people who weren't in the original team would claim goals in the after match gloat.

We were in our second year, life was still in peaceful ignorant bliss, when we were told in the pre-match huddle to be careful of the muscled guy who had turned out in a tight, fabulous type narrow vest which if you've watched Borat will know that men of this region frequent. I would get to know this vest very well. He apparently had been captain of his unversity.

To cut a long story short, we kicked their asses like everyone else. The guy played quite well. But his demenour. It was really irritating. Like Christiano Ronaldo of Man U. Basically, he was a cunt.

I heard since he took a disturbing immense liking to my roommate after they met frequently in the bathroom brushing their teeth with disputed toothpaste, that he found indian women super easy and crap like that. Say what you want about me, if you say anything about what goes about in these parts as women...

Then the 'iranian bastard' incident happened.

A boy of our batch, drunk as he usually was at that time of the evening, shouted 'hey! iranian bastard!' as drunk people are wont to do to even innocent byestanders of non-iranian descent, while passing by on a motorcycle, which was subsequently found in the ditch because after braking the rider forgot to use his feet to balance.

This proved to be a sore point for the Iranian. He took what a general insult to him by a drunk person was as an affront to his nation. The important part here was the 'bastard' and not the 'iranian'. The man however did not appreciate this nuance. He filed a dreaded Disciplinary Committee compant and threated to notify his Embassy.

The boy got into such larger shit in the future, that this specific incident got overlooked due to a clerical error. The iranian returned to his land without justice. The reformed drunk boy, today he is one of the country's more successful human rights lawyer. He specializes in refugee law.

The iranians have behaved very weirdly in this decade. The latest being this british soldier incident. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad goes about behaving like the worse kind of student union leader as if international law is like some college smoking rule (which it is sort of actually..)

Anyway.. it was an occasion for a fond remeberance of my knowledge of iranians.

A bad day for indian men

2007-03-29T20:50:00.000+05:30

Today is a bad day for cynics like me...

First is observing the reaction of the political parties to the supreme court judgement on OBC reservation.

In my understanding, the Supreme Court has not said anything on merits. Rather it had observed that the procedure, that is the data in which the reservation was based (i.e. a 1940's census) is flawed.

Arjun Singh has promised to explore all legal options. I hope that includes dying.

On the other hand, the Left claims very originally that the courts have exceeded their mandate. The Left, patriots and keepers of the key to the Constitution of India, would just love a dedicated judiciary, wouldn't they? A rubber stamp for every executive and legislative decision. That's how every modern country should function. In other words, that's another way we can use communism to destroy a basic tenet of a liberal democracy. I mean seriously, who needs a concept like division of powers anyways. It was after all invented by a bunch of gay french men.

And the BJP, according to them, the Center has lost moral authority to govern and should resign. Really, i mean, can't they come up with anything else?

Not a single party has the guts to say anything against OBC reservation. It's just sick the way they are inventing ways to fool the poor.

Muslims are told that they are backward because they are muslim. Lower castes are told that they are backward because of their caste. It's obvious that corruption and flawed development has nothing to do with it. It's a conspiracy of the rich to deny the poor.

In most states run schools, english cannot be taught until high school. You actually think children going to these schools will be able to compete with children who go to private schools when all the top universitites in this country conduct entrance tests in english? Let's not even get into job interviews here.

In other news, Priya Ranjan Das Munshi, has banned FTV.

Like really. There was no sati, bride burning and female foeticide and infanticide in India. Women were worshipped like Durga and Kali. Then came CABLE TV and we became so corrupted that rape and sexual harrassment started. It's all AXN and FTV's fault. If they are not banned, hordes of men driven mad with lust with roam the countryside destroying everything in their wake.

Who should get the award for trying to drag India back to the dark ages- Priya Ranjan or Arjun Singh?

Smoking kills

2007-03-28T12:49:00.001+05:30

Well it seems a pretender for the position of the mythical guru, Baba Trafficsignal has stepped forth and it's none other than- the Delhi High Court!

The court is a great institution for legal minds. That is why i dont work there. I have interned there though. It used to be my favourite high court. It's clean, centrally airconditioned and accessible to handicapped people/late lawyers (it has this ramp running down the middle, most nice), serves a mean dal makhani and is now apparently against smoking while driving.

Er yes.. that is the problem why traffic is chaotic in this country. Silly me, never thought of that before.

Apparently, the traffic commissioner welcomed the ban observing that 'the human mind cannot do two things simultaneously'. Speaking from personal experience no doubt, it is the first ban of its kind the world has ever heard of. See here. Yes, obviously inhaling is too dangerous an activity to be combined with other things like sitting down.

So now after the zero, dabur chawanprash and the taj mahal, India gives the world the smoking while driving ban.

The million dollar question remains who invented the invention of useless and meaningless rules. I'm sure it was the Harappan Civilization.

While on the topic of inane bans, the ICC has banned youtube from featuring clips of the world cup.

Now, i am aware that the ICC was formerly known as the 'Imperial Cricket Council' but why this sudden weird attitude of 'I say old chap but arent you stealing my nickers' towards new technology. How can they miss out on such a forum to promote the game when they are spending millions to get ugandans and chinese to play cricket. No. There is no way they could be so stupid. This had to be the work of someone dumb. Someone made the ICC do it. Someone Really really REALLY dumb. But who...

Yup.. it has to be them. Charu and company. He should be fired just for having that name let alone his highly irritating demeanour. I mean seriously, that man should never have been allowed off Doordarshan. Man ..this Sony/Set/Max or whatever crapass name that crapass channel has, would have Akio Morita spinning in his grave. Where he set out to make rice cookers. But this is not a rant against bad sports coverage. It is a rant about bans and inane rules.

Bad High Court. Bad ICC. Very very bad. No biscuit for you.

God and dog

2007-03-28T01:49:00.000+05:30

This Sunday afternoon when i was roaming around minding my own business, i abruptly ran into a massive traffic jam.

Now the thing is that on Sundays people sort of disappear. So I was surprised to find so many in one place.

It turned out that Baba Ramdev was in town. Now if you are unfamiliar with the Godman who has great hair and a lazy eye, you may wonder who am i refering to.

This Baba is no ordinary bearded guru. He claims that yoga and ayurved can cure cancer and AIDS. I'm cool with that. I really believe that people should do more yoga and stuff. Even if you dont have cancer and AIDS. More power to him.

But i have one reservation.

The thing is that i realized just passing by the venue was that no matter how much yoga you do and chawanprash you eat, it all comes to naught if you dont look both ways before you cross the street. [Please note the poetry here]

Yeah.. there were all these old people carried there, obese people waddling in the humidity probably attaining salvation, stepping out only to be run over because they try to cross the road blind. Useless i tell you, all useless.

What i think we need after Baba Ramdev is Baba Trafficsignal who will teach us about road rules. See what that does for the life expectancy of the average Indian. It'll beat the pants off yoga-shoga.

After negotiating the Baba traffic signal and his traffic rule breaking devotees i thought it was smooth sailing. Then, i ran into another mass of people.

Now i have already mentioned the causal relation between Sundays and people. So again, i was suprised.

It was a protest march. To the untrained eye it would seem as if it was another Nandigram thingie but my eyes i have been told have caused a few eagles to turn green with envy. I noticed the protesters were arriving in Sedans and were rather well heeled (seriously, nike and stuff). More importantly, the women, unlike a certain Banerjee, were hot.

This was a dead give away. Having a law degree from one of the country's leading institutes i can tell you this confidently. Human rights chicks are usually ugly. On the other hand, animal activists are smoking. Scoff all you like. Deep in your heart, you know im right.

So it was an animal rights protest march. They were protesting the killing of dogs in Bangalore.

Now, the thing is that my experiences with Bangalore's dogs have been a bit of a mixed bag, having been to college in that city.

Once the women of my batch (all human rights activists) decided to go to F-bar for a girls night out. They had hardly left the college gate before the local pack attacked them. Seeing these women hiking their best finery and sprinting along with dogs snapping at their heels is a sight that will warm my heart long into my old age.

On the other hand, i have been set upon by a few packs in my time. Being partial to dogs myself, they have never had occassion to sink their jaws into me. Not exibhiting fear is the key im told. But there is a moment, when a dog comes charging at you out of nowhere in the middle of the night and you are not sure as to its intentions, a moment of sheer terror.

Yes, i dont like the idea of dogs being killed but human life is the most important thing at the end of the day. Surely being of the ruling species you have the right to walk about at night without being terrorize. Even if you are group of mingers who have set out to put all the men at fbar in a bad mood simply by turning up and showing your faces.

I'm not sure what effect protest marches in Kolkata will have for the dogs in Bangalore.

However, if Baba Ramdev can cure AIDs and cancer with yoga, then i'm sure teaching dogs not to be violent towards strangers will be a snap for him.

So the solution. Yup, a Baba Ramdev camp for the bangalore dogs.

Meanwhile, the wait is on for Baba Trafficsignal.

Disappointment

2007-03-24T23:36:00.000+05:30

Many years ago a person in Australia performed a miracle. He gave Sourav Ganguly batting tips that allowed him to bat more than a few minutes. Ganguly did not forget this man.

When he was Beloved Supreme Leader and King of Indian Cricket, he decided that this man was the prophesized Messiah who would get what the ancient land of India wanted. The fabled cup owned by the Dragon ICC.

It was the wrong answer. That man was obviously Tom Moody or even Dave Whatmore.

Ganguly paid for this however. His patron saint, Darth Dalmiya, lost the election and Darth Pawar came to power. Darth Pawar,who was supposed to ruining the lives of farmers and peasants was bored. Farmers were not mobbed or posed in advertisments. They only committed suicide or were shot. Boring!

In short, the sector lacked glamour. Cricket on the other hand, was a different story.

Under Darth Pawar, Messiah Chapell went from being a batsman of fabled skill and thinking cap wearing Coach to the feared Darth Chappell, the anti-Coach.

anyways, here's is what i feel went wrong.

To me there are three undeniable things:

1. The best team available was sent to the world cup.
2. The players do not lack talent, commitment or focus.
3. Something obviously went wrong with the preparation for the world cup.

This is because of the anti-Coach and the system that appointed and supported this man.

Bangladesh was fiery and passionate. They were having cartloads of fun. Sri Lanka was professional and gritty. They looked hungry for success.

The Indians turned up at the world cup looking a little dazed, a tad confused. Yuvraj seemed to thinking, where was point again?Should i be supposed to be a little to the left or should i go right. Harbhajan was like, I'm supposed to be an off spinner. Is that an approach or an orientation? For Gods sake, Irfan Parthan, the find of a century has FORGOTTEN how to bowl and no one can help him? What is he, Humpty Dumpty? Dhoni was like, are we really in West Indies?
and so on.

You cannot claim that Indians did not have the talent or commitment. No matter what you say about Dravid, Ganguly, Tendulkar and company they have been to the final of a World Cup. They are not old. They are not lazy. They were not PREPPED correctly.

Why on earth were we playing shit teams in India as preparation for the world cup? Sri Lanka without Vaas and Murlidharan in India anyone? West Indies on pitches that would be changed? Yeah. That's the baptism by fire that was going to create warriors of stone.

And where was the focus on fielding?

Greg Chapell is a bad coach. He did not have a great record at the domestic level. He is not a motivator with the best interests of his players at heart, like we hear Bob Woolmer was, may his soul rest in peace. He said his biggest challenge was handling to handling the pysche of Sehwag. We know what a fantastic job he did of that. He could not build the team into a unit and take it to the next level that international cricket has risen to. You can no longer just turn up and win.
Indian cricket cannot be run by politicians anymore than Pakistani cricket is run by their President.

It came to me, last night while i couldn't sleep at that dark time when your worst fears pop into your head.

What if we are at exactly at a time like when we were the best in asia at football or we were the best at hockey? What if cricket has changed dramatically and we are not going to adjust to change for a millionth time in our history?

People say that Indian cricket has too much money to go bankrupt. But i think it's no point having money, if you cant spend it correctly. It makes no difference.

The larger problem may lie with Indian sport and it's underlying support system.

If a system allows one man to chose a coach of his choice, you cannot blame either men. Niether is qualified for the work they are doing. It is the fault of the system. A system which is amenable to witch hunts and ugly political squabble is not an efficient system. It is a system that is geared to lose. On the field and off it.

Please dont take away the only thing we have. The one sport where we were globally competitive. Cricket.

Oops! too late. It's GONE.

We we still have Kabaddi and Kho Kho...

What! Thats gone too...

Awwww......